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SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (AKA “DEATH HOUSE”

AND “NIGHT OF THE DARK FULL MOON”)

Armor Films/Cannon Productions, 1974

PRODUCERS Ami Artzi and Jeffrey Konvitz

WRITERS Jeffrey Konvitz, Ira Teller, and Theodore Gershuny

DIRECTOR Theodore Gershuny

STARS Mary Woronov (Diane Adams), James Patterson (Jeffrey Butler), Patrick O'Neal (John Carter), Walter Abel (Mayor Adams), Astrid Heeren (Ingrid), and John Carradine (Charlie Towman)

When Jeffrey (Patterson) tries to sell the mansion he inherited from his grandfather, a past believed to be dead and buried returns to haunt the living with a bloody vengeance.

Why It Sucks

Silent Night, Bloody Night manages to disappoint on every level. First off, it's not really Christmas themed. Second, it's not even a slasher flick, despite what some marketers try to make it out to be. Then there's the fact the movie is told in flashback, so we already know that the main character survives.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Special Worst Plot Convenience Recognition Award goes to … Jeffrey Konvitz, Ira Teller, and Theodore Gershuny for the scene where Jeffrey borrows his attorney's car for no reason other than the plot needed it away from the house.

And the Worst Director Award goes to … Theodore Gershuny for starting the film with a scene that sets the rest of it up as a flashback and thus undermines a great deal of the suspense.

They Really Said It!

Jeffrey Butler: His hands. Someone cut off his hands.

Betcha Didn't Know

No distributor would take on this movie until Lloyd Kaufman of Troma Films picked it up.

The film's working title was Zora, although no one in the film is named that and the word is not used throughout the movie.

Trivia Quiz

What Christmas classic was a failure at the box office when it was first released?

A: It's A Wonderful Life (1946)

B: A Christmas Story (1983)

C: Christmas in Connecticut (1945)

D: White Christmas (1954)

Answer: A. It's a Wonderful Life cost $3.7 million to make (an astronomical figure for movies in the 1940s) but took in only $3.3 million at the box office.

CHAPTER SEVEN

INAUSPICIOUS BEGINNINGS

You were once young and you were once inexperienced. Most of us see time wipe away our youthful endeavors, leaving the works we produce later in life, when we've figured out what to do and how to do it. But actors' and directors' early efforts remain, fixed in place and available for all to see on DVDs available on the bargain shelf.

BAD TASTE

WingNut Films/New Zealand Film Commission, 1987

PRODUCER Peter Jackson

WRITER Peter Jackson

DIRECTOR Peter Jackson

STARS Peter Jackson (Derek/Robert), Terry Potter (Ozzy), Pete O'Herne (Barry), Craig Smith (Giles), Mike Minett (Frank), Doug Wren (Lord Crumb), and Peter Vere-Jones (Lord Crumb's Voice)

An alien fast-food conglomerate wants to turn humanity into the latest novelty item on their menu … and only a team of half-witted government agents can save us!

Why It Sucks

Bad Taste is the perfect title for this film. This may not be the goriest movie ever made, but it is certainly one of the most disgusting.

You'll find yourself alternatively laughing at some repulsive slapstick violence (two aliens are dismembered and have their heads crushed while trying to kill one of our heroes with sledge-hammers) and squirming at some pure gross-out scenes (a character puts a bit of stray brain matter back inside his cracked-open skull), but you'll never be bored.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Script Award goes to … Peter Jackson, who at this point in his career had a tin ear for dialogue.

And the Before There Was South Park Award goes to … Peter Jackson for cramming more sophomoric gross-outs into a movie than any sane person can imagine.

They Really Said It!

Barry: We're a government department, not a paramilitary unit.

Derek: Yeah, the Astro Investigation and Defense Service!

Ozzy: Wish we'd change the name.

Betcha Didn't Know

Peter Jackson shot this, his first directorial