150 Movies You Should Die Before You See - Miller Steve [34]
THE LOVE GURU
Paramount Pictures/Spyglass Entertainment/Michael De Luca Productions, 2008
PRODUCERS Gary Barber and Roger Birnbaum (executive producers), Mike Myers, Michael De Luca, and Donald J. Lee Jr. (producers)
WRITERS Mike Myers and Graham Gordy
DIRECTOR Marco Schnabel
STARS Mike Myers (Guru Pitka/young Pitka/teenage Pitak/Maurice/ himself), Jessica Alba (Jane Bullard), Romany Malco (Darren Roanoke), Manu Narayan (Rajneesh), Justin Timberlake (Jacques “Le Coq” Grande), Verne Troyer (Coach Punch Cherkov), and Stephen Colbert (Jay Kell)
Guru Pitka (Myers), a new-age, self-help sensation, is approached by the owner of a hockey team (Alba) to help her resolve relationship problems that are keeping her star player (Malco) from performing properly on the ice.
Why It Sucks
There isn't a single joke in the film that doesn't feel forced. Myers is so in love with his own humor that he repeats them, draining what little amusement the film may have contained. Worse, Myers's Guru Pitka character is slimy and obnoxious, constantly chuckling at his own jokes. By the end of the movie, you want to take a shower.
Thumbs Down Rating:
The Crappies
The Worst Actor Award goes to … Michael Myers for Guru Pitka, a performance that is as unfunny as it is repulsive.
And the Worst Script Award goes to … Mike Myers and Graham Gordy for writing a comedy where the funniest jokes involve Ben Kingsley crossing his eyes and a cameo appearance by Mariska Hargitay.
They Really Said It!
Guru Pitka: Intimacy is like putting your wiener on the table and having someone say, “That looks like a penis, only smaller.”
Betcha Didn't Know
Guru Pitka was conceived for, but ultimately dropped from, the 1999 Michael Myers film Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.
As the film debuted in 2008, Rajan Zed, self-important publicity hound and self-appointed spokesman of Hindus everywhere, declared the film offensive because it lampooned Hindu beliefs.
Trivia Quiz
Mike Myers stated in an interview that before filming he tests and practices his characters and jokes in front of live audiences, just like which of the following legendary comic film performers?
A: The Marx Brothers
B: The Three Stooges
C: The Ritz Brothers
D: The Grimm Brothers
Answer: A. The Marx Brothers. The most famous routines of Groucho, Harpo, and Chico were tested and perfected-in their early films through live vaudeville performances, and in their later movies by tours organized by MGM.
ON DEADLY GROUND
Seagal-Nasso Productions/Warner Bros., 1994
PRODUCERS Jeffrey Robinov and Robert Watts (executive producers), Steven Seagal, Julius R. Nasso, and A. Kitman Ho (producers)
WRITERS Ed Horowitz and Robin U. Russin
DIRECTOR Steven Seagal
STARS Steven Seagal (Forrest Taft), Michael Caine (Michael Jennings), Joan Chen (Masu), and John C. McGinley (MacGruder)
Forrest Taft (Seagal) is an oil company employee who, after a violent near-death experience and a shamanistic spiritual reawakening, decides to kick ass and blow crap up to guard the rights of Alaskan Eskimos and the purity of Mother Nature.
Why It Sucks
There's an interesting story buried somewhere beneath the badly written dialogue, illogical plot developments, and attempt at delivering an environmental message while fighting an evil oil company through blowing stuff to pieces.
Thumbs Down Rating:
The Crappies
The Worst Director Award goes to … Steven Seagal for using the indigenous population of Alaska as his jumping off point, but not casting a Native American in the role of Masu, the Sexy and Wise Nature Girl.
And the Special Achievement Award for Multiculturalism goes to … Screenwriters Ed Horowitz and Robin U. Russin and director/coproducer Steven Seagal for their cartoonish presentation of Alaskan Native culture. Homer Simpson's “vision quests” have been more respectful of Native Americans.
They Really Said It!
Michael Jennings: Is this the slope