22 Britannia Road - Amanda Hodgkinson [106]
‘Janusz, where’s Aurek?’
Doris glares at her. ‘Now you ask? His father put the poor little mite to bed.’
Gilbert looks flushed and uncomfortable. ‘Doris, I think we should be getting home.’
‘I’ll go when I’m good and ready.’ She dusts her hands across the front of her apron. ‘The poor little kid. Filthy trick, if you ask me. And to think I felt sorry for you.’
Silvana ignores Doris. She will not be intimidated in her own home. Not while it still is her home, at least. She turns to Janusz. He avoids her gaze.
‘That poor child,’ insists Doris. ‘Thank God he’s got a father is all I can say.’
‘Calm down, Doris,’ says Gilbert. ‘There’s no need for any trouble. I’m sorry, Jan. We’re just going.’
Doris makes a snorting noise, pursing her lips. She allows Gilbert to take her elbow and guide her out of her seat. Silvana steps aside to let her pass.
‘I understand you all right,’ Doris whispers. ‘Oh yes, I’ve got you figured now. Family planning, my foot.’
‘Doris!’ Gilbert pushes her hard.
‘I tell you what. You won’t get away with this. This is a respectable street. You’ll get your comeuppance, you’ll see.’
‘Doris!’ Gilbert says sharply. He avoids Silvana’s eyes. ‘We’re just going.’
The front door slams and Silvana can hear them arguing outside. She sits down at the kitchen table.
‘I don’t know what Aurek said, but it wasn’t how it looked.’
She knows it sounds weak even as she says it. She tries again. Hopes she sounds more convincing.
‘I was scared and Tony tried to comfort me.’
Janusz folds his arms. ‘Scared,’ he says. ‘What of this time?’
‘Aurek nearly fell out of a tree. I thought I was going to lose him. I have a right to be scared. The world is dangerous, Janusz. Maybe not for you, but for me. I feel it every day.’
Janusz still won’t look at her. She tries to follow his gaze, and in desperation picks up her chair and places it in front of him.
He runs a finger around his collar. Stares at her coldly.
‘How long has this been going on?’
She has to tell him the truth, pull the words out of herself, force them to come. It feels like she is dredging something long-dead from a river.
‘I have to tell you. About Aurek.’
‘What about him?’
‘After you left us in Warsaw I got on a bus out of the city. Aurek was ill. Do you remember how he always picked up colds? He couldn’t breathe properly. He cried all the time. When the bus broke down I followed women and children and old people. Everybody was walking.’
Janusz reaches for his cigarettes and matches. ‘This has nothing to do with Tony –’
‘It has everything to do with us.’
Silvana stops talking. She gets up and closes the kitchen door. What she has to say must not be overheard by Aurek.
‘I gave Aurek to another woman to carry. I was tired. I shouldn’t have done it. I thought it wouldn’t matter, not just for a minute or two. Then I heard the planes. They flew over us and one of them crashed. There was an explosion. I should have kept him with me. I should never have let him out of my sight.’
She stops to get her breath. Now she has Janusz’s attention her courage is failing her. Perhaps she should stop here? Tell him yes, she kissed Tony, and leave it at that. Better to be known as an adulteress than a mother who failed her child.
Hot tears run down her face. How can she explain that she has been living with loss since the day her son slid from between her legs in a stranger’s home – or that loss colours every memory she has ever had or will have. Loss fills her heart: it is there in the trees, in the rattle of the leaves in the wind and in the living, mysterious body of a child she has grown to love. A child she calls Aurek.
‘I tried to find him. I was confused. I called his name. I was frantic. I found the woman, but she was dead. Our Aurek was beside her.’
‘I wrapped him in my coat and rocked him. I don’t know how long I stayed like that. I got up and started walking. After a while I sat down again. But he was still cold.’
‘For God’s sake.’ Janusz slams his hand down on the table. ‘What the bloody