22 Britannia Road - Amanda Hodgkinson [67]
‘Yes, he is,’ says Tony. ‘But the dictionary? What was it for?’
Silvana casts a look around. There is nothing to distract him from his line of questioning. The park is empty, the squirrels have already been pointed out and if she fiddles with her clothes and hair any more he will think she has lice.
‘Silvana?’
She takes a deep breath and tries the truth. ‘I had some letters I needed to translate.’
‘Letters? Just some letters?’
Tony’s brown eyes are steady on her, inviting. Talk to me, they say to her. And she wants to. She is tired of carrying Janusz’s secrets. She has enough of her own. She coughs nervously and tips her chin towards him, trying to look as if she is amused by this conversation.
‘The letters belong to Janusz. They’re from another woman.’
‘Another woman?’
‘Isn’t it silly?’ she says, trying to sound as English as she can. ‘Just so silly.’
‘Oh, Silvana. I’m sorry.’ Tony takes her hands in his again but this time he is forceful, crushing her fingers. A sudden, horrific thought comes to her: what if he confronts Janusz?
‘It’s complicated,’ she says, wishing she could speak Polish to him now. She itches to unroll her own language, to taste it on her lips, all its nuances and figures of speech, all the subtle dips and turns her own tongue could produce. She could explain everything to him in Polish. ‘It’s nothing. I only told you because it’s so tiring keeping secrets all the time. Janusz is a good husband, really he is. And he’s a good father to Aurek.’
Tony pulls her to him, pressing her hands against his chest, and this time there is no mistaking the way he holds her.
‘Silvana, darling. I had no idea …’
She looks into his eyes, and for a moment she thinks he is going to kiss her. And yet she doesn’t pull away from him.
‘What if I tell Janusz I know and then he leaves me? What if he goes back to her? What will Aurek and I do then?’
Tony leans towards her, his voice hot against her face. ‘But you must know …’
‘I don’t know anything.’
‘You must know I will always help you. You must realize how I …’
Behind them, Aurek tumbles down from the tree and wraps his arms around Silvana’s legs. She pulls her hands free of Tony’s grip and steps away from him.
‘Really, I must go.’
‘Don’t. Come to the flat. Now. We can talk. Please don’t go like this.’
He looks so sad that she is sure one of them or perhaps both will start to cry, and crying is pointless. Crying would be a sign that it is all too much. Crying would show Tony that she is a woman with no control over her life. She has already been a fool telling him. It would be better to explain that she is just a mean-faced survivor who came to England to give Aurek a father.
She whispers. ‘Janusz and I … We don’t know who we are any more. So much happened during the war. The past won’t leave me alone. During the war, I thought Janusz was dead. All those years apart. I never imagined he would find me. Too much happened …’
She looks into his eyes again. She has no idea what she is doing, telling Tony about her life. She might as well be out on a window ledge, about to fall to her death. She is risking everything, and for what? The chance to tell him the untellable? Or to feel the heat of this man’s eyes upon her?
‘Please forget I said anything. Aurek needs his father. I … Please, just pretend I never said anything. I have to go.’
With a residue of strength still within herself, Silvana turns on her heels, hoping Tony will see only the back of a strong woman walking away from him. He calls after her, urging her to wait, but she does not turn around.
Aurek hurries to keep up. Silvana knows he doesn’t like it when she walks too fast, but it is all she can do not to break into a run. Aurek is whining, but she cannot slow down. She grabs his hand and pulls him along. At the edge of the park she stops.
‘Aurek. Look behind you. Can you see them?’
Aurek shakes his head.
‘Good. Come here. I’ll carry you. We have to hurry home.’
Aurek struggles in her arms and she knows he is too old