A Breath of Snow and Ashes - Diana Gabaldon [223]
“Lass—love—are ye all right, then? Blessed Michael defend us, are ye well?”
She knew he was there, but didn’t turn to him. Something—a strange ripple, like a stone thrown in water—went through her, and the breath caught in her throat again, a small dry sound.
He didn’t wait, but scrambled naked from the furs, calling for help. People came tumbling out into the dim light of the longhouse, bulky shapes hurrying toward him in a fog of questions. He couldn’t speak; didn’t need to. Within moments, Tewaktenyonh was there, her strong old face set in grim calm, and the women of the longhouse rushed past him, pushing him aside as they carried Emily away, wrapped in a deer’s hide.
He followed them outside, but they ignored him, disappearing into the women’s house at the end of the village. Two or three men came out, looked after them, then shrugged, turned, and went back inside. It was cold, and very late, and plainly women’s business.
He went inside himself, after a few moments, but only long enough to pull on a few clothes. He couldn’t stay in the longhouse, not with the bed empty of her and smelling of blood. There was blood on his skin as well, but he didn’t pause to wash.
Outside, the stars had faded, but the sky was still black. It was bone-cold, and very still.
The hide that hung over the door of his longhouse moved, and Rollo slipped through, gray as a ghost. The big dog extended his paws and stretched, groaning with the stiffness of the hour and the cold. Then he shook his heavy ruff, snorted out a puff of white breath, and ambled slowly to his master’s side. He sat down heavily, with a resigned sigh, and leaned against Ian’s leg.
Ian stood a moment longer, looking toward the house where his Emily was. His face was hot, fevered with urgency. He burned harsh and bright, like a coal, but he could feel the heat seeping out of him into the cold sky, and his heart turning slowly black. Finally, he slapped his palm against his thigh and turned away into the forest, walking fast, the dog padding big and soundless by his side.
“Hail Mary, full of grace . . .” He paid no attention to where he was going, praying under his breath, but aloud, for the comfort of his own voice in the silent dark.
Ought he to be praying to one of the Mohawk spirits, he wondered? Would they be angry that he spoke to his old God, to God’s mother? Might they take revenge for such a slight, on his wife and child?
The child is dead already. He had no notion where that knowledge came from, but he knew it was so, as surely as if someone had spoken the words to him aloud. The knowledge was dispassionate, not yet food for grief; only a fact he knew to be true—and was appalled to know it.
On he went into the woods, walking, then running, slowing only when he must, to draw breath. The air was knife-cold and still, smelling of rot and turpentine, but the trees whispered just a little as he passed. Emily could hear them talk; she knew their secret voices.
“Aye, and what good is that?” he muttered, face turned up to the starless void between the branches. “Ye dinna say anything worth knowing. Ye dinna ken how it is with her now, do ye?”
He could hear the dog’s feet now and then, rustling among the dead leaves just behind him, thudding softly on patches of bare ground. He stumbled now and then, feet lost in the darkness, fell once bruisingly, stumbled to his feet, and ran clumsily on. He had stopped praying; his mind wouldn’t form words any longer, couldn’t choose among the fractured syllables of his different tongues, and his breath burned thick in his throat as he ran.
He felt her body against him in the cold, her full breasts in his hands, her small round buttocks thrusting back, heavy and eager as he rammed her, oh, God, he knew he ought not, he knew! And yet he’d done it, night after night, mad for the slippery tight clutch of her, long past the day when he knew he should stop, selfish, mindless, mad and wicked with lust. . . .
He ran, and her trees murmured condemnation above him