A CONFESSION [35]
occurred to me. And observing my bed, I saw I was lying on plaited
string supports attached to its sides: my feet were resting on one
such support, by calves on another, and my legs felt uncomfortable.
I seemed to know that those supports were movable, and with a
movement of my foot I pushed away the furthest of them at my feet -
- it seemed to me that it would be more comfortable so. But I
pushed it away too far and wished to reach it again with my foot,
and that movement caused the next support under my calves to slip
away also, so that my legs hung in the air. I made a movement with
my whole body to adjust myself, fully convinced that I could do so
at once; but the movement caused the other supports under me to
slip and to become entangled, and I saw that matters were going
quite wrong: the whole of the lower part of my body slipped and
hung down, though my feet did not reach the ground. I was holding
on only by the upper part of my back, and not only did it become
uncomfortable but I was even frightened. And then only did I ask
myself about something that had not before occurred to me. I asked
myself: Where am I and what am I lying on? and I began to look
around and first of all to look down in the direction which my body
was hanging and whiter I felt I must soon fall. I looked down and
did not believe my eyes. I was not only at a height comparable to
the height of the highest towers or mountains, but at a height such
as I could never have imagined.
I could not even make out whether I saw anything there below,
in that bottomless abyss over which I was hanging and whiter I was
being drawn. My heart contracted, and I experienced horror. To
look thither was terrible. If I looked thither I felt that I
should at once slip from the last support and perish. And I did
not look. But not to look was still worse, for I thought of what
would happen to me directly I fell from the last support. And I
felt that from fear I was losing my last supports, and that my back
was slowly slipping lower and lower. Another moment and I should
drop off. And then it occurred to me that this cannot e real. It
is a dream. Wake up! I try to arouse myself but cannot do so.
What am I to do? What am I to do? I ask myself, and look upwards.
Above, there is also an infinite space. I look into the immensity
of sky and try to forget about the immensity below, and I really do
forget it. The immensity below repels and frightens me; the
immensity above attracts and strengthens me. I am still supported
above the abyss by the last supports that have not yet slipped from
under me; I know that I am hanging, but I look only upwards and my
fear passes. As happens in dreams, a voice says: "Notice this,
this is it!" And I look more and more into the infinite above me
and feel that I am becoming calm. I remember all that has
happened, and remember how it all happened; how I moved my legs,
how I hung down, how frightened I was, and how I was saved from
fear by looking upwards. And I ask myself: Well, and now am I not
hanging just the same? And I do not so much look round as
experience with my whole body the point of support on which I am
held. I see that I no longer hang as if about to fall, but am
firmly held. I ask myself how I am held: I feel about, look round,
and see that under me, under the middle of my body, there is one
support, and that when I look upwards I lie on it in the position
of securest balance, and that it alone gave me support before. And
then, as happens in dreams, I imagined the mechanism by means of
which I was held; a very natural intelligible, and sure means,
though to one awake that mechanism has no sense. I was even
surprised in my dream that I had not understood it sooner. It
appeared that at my head there was a pillar, and the security of
that slender pillar was undoubted though there was nothing to
support it. From the pillar a loop hung very ingeniously and yet
simply, and if one lay with