A Darkness More Than Night - Michael Connelly [4]
“Remember with Graciela’s sister what you told me? You told me you got a second shot at life and that there had to be a reason for it. Now you’ve built this life with her sister and her son and now even your own child. That’s wonderful, Terry, I really think so. But that can’t be the reason you were looking for. You might think it is but it’s not. Deep down you know it. You were good at catching these people. Next to that, what is catching fish?”
McCaleb nodded slightly and was uncomfortable with himself for doing it so readily.
“Leave the stuff,” he said. “I’ll call you when I can.”
On the way to the door Winston looked about for Graciela but didn’t see her.
“She’s probably in with the baby,” McCaleb said.
“Well, tell her I said good-bye.”
“I will.”
There was an awkward silence the rest of the way to the door. Finally, as McCaleb opened it, Winston spoke.
“So what’s it like, Terry? Being a father.”
“It’s the best of times, it’s the worst of times.”
His stock answer. He then thought a moment and added something he had thought about but never said, not even to Graciela.
“It’s like having a gun to your head all the time.”
Winston looked confused and maybe even a little concerned.
“How so?”
“Because I know if anything ever happens to her, anything, then my life is over.”
She nodded.
“I think I can understand that.”
She went through the door. She looked rather silly as she left. A seasoned homicide detective riding away in a golf cart.
2
Sunday dinner with Graciela and Raymond was a quiet affair. They ate white sea bass McCaleb had caught with the charter that morning on the back side of the island near the isthmus. His charters always wanted to keep the fish they caught but then often changed their minds when they got back to the harbor. It was something about the killing instinct in men, McCaleb believed. It wasn’t enough just to catch their quarry. They must kill it as well. It meant fish was often served at dinner at the house on La Mesa.
McCaleb had grilled the fish along with corn still in the husks on the porch barbecue. Graciela had made a salad and biscuits. They both had a glass of white wine in front of them. Raymond had milk. The meal was good but the silence wasn’t. McCaleb looked over at Raymond and realized the boy had picked up on the vibe passed between the adults and was going along with the tide. McCaleb remembered how he had done the same thing when he was a boy and his parents were throwing silence at each other. Raymond was the son of Graciela’s sister, Gloria. His father had never been part of the picture. When Glory died — was murdered — three years before, Raymond had come to live with Graciela. McCaleb met them both when he investigated the case.
“How was softball today?” McCaleb finally asked.
“It was okay, I guess.”
“Get any hits?”
“No.”
“You will. Don’t worry. Just keep trying. Keep swinging.”
McCaleb nodded. The boy had wanted to go out on the charter that morning but had not been allowed. The charter was for six men from overtown. With McCaleb and Buddy, that made eight on The Following Sea and that was the limit the boat could carry under the rules of safety. McCaleb never broke those rules.
“Well, listen, our next charter isn’t until Saturday. Right now it’s only four people. In winter season I doubt we’ll pick up anybody else. If it stays that way, you can come.”
The boy’s dark features seemed to lighten and he nodded vigorously as he worked his fork into the pure white meat of the fish on his plate. The fork looked big in his hand and McCaleb felt a momentary sadness for the boy. He was exceedingly small for a boy of ten. This bothered Raymond a great deal and he often asked McCaleb when he would grow. McCaleb always told him that it would happen soon, though privately he thought the boy would always be small. He knew that his mother had been of average size but Graciela had told McCaleb that Raymond’s father had been a very small man — in size and integrity. He