A Death in the Family - James Agee [111]
“But I do,” said Catherine.
“But Catherine, you can’t, dear, you mustn’t even think of trying. Because Daddy is dead now, and when you are dead that means you go to sleep and you never wake up—until God wakes you.”
“Well when will He?”
“We don’t know, Rufus, but probably a long, long time from now. Long after we are all dead.”
Rufus wondered what was the good of that, then, but he was sure he should not ask.
“So I don’t want you to wonder about it, children. Daddy may seem very queer to you, because he’s so still, but that’s—just simply the way he’s got to look.”
Suddenly she pressed her lips tightly together and they trembled violently. She clenched her cheekbone against her left shoulder, squeezing their hands with her trembling hands, and tears slipped from her tightly shut eyes. Rufus watched her with awe, Catherine with forlorn worry. She suddenly hissed out, “Just-a-minute,” with her eyes still closed, startling and shocking Catherine, so that she looked as if she were ready to cry. But before Catherine could commit herself to crying, her hands relaxed, pressing them gently, and she raised her head and opened her clear eyes, saying, “Now Mother must get dressed, and I want you to take Catherine downstairs, Rufus, and both of you be very quiet and good till I come down. And don’t make any bother for Aunt Hannah, because she’s been wonderful to all of us and she’s worn out.
“You be good,” she said, smiling and looking at them in turn. “I’ll be down in a little while.”
“Come on, Catherine,” Rufus said.
“I’m coming,” Catherine replied, looking at him as if he had spoken of her unjustly.
“Mama”; Rufus stopped near the door. Catherine hesitated, bewildered.
“Yes, Rufus?”
“Are we orphans, now?”
“Orphans?”
“Like the Belgians,” he informed her. “French. When you haven’t got any daddy or mamma because they’re killed in the war you’re an orphan and other children send you things and write you letters.”
She must have been unfamiliar with the word, for she seemed to have to think very hard before she answered. Then she said, “Of course you’re not orphans, Rufus, and I don’t want you going around saying that you are. Do you hear me? Because it isn’t so. Orphans haven’t got either a father or a mother, you see, and nobody to take care of them or love them. You see? That’s why other children send things. But you both have your mother. So you aren’t orphans. Do you see? Do you?” He nodded; Catherine nodded because he did. “And Rufus.” She looked at him very searchingly; without quite knowing why, he felt he had been discovered in a discreditable secret. “Don’t be sorry you’re not an orphan. You be thankful. Orphans sound lucky to you because they’re far away and everyone talks about them now. But they’re very, very unhappy little children. Because nobody loves them. Do you understand?”
He nodded, ashamed of himself and secretly disappointed.
“Now run along,” she said. They left the room. Aunt Hannah met them on the stairs. “Go into the liv—sitting room for a while like good children,” she said. “I’ll be right down.” And as they reached the bottom of the stairs they heard their mother’s door open and close. They sat, looking at their father’s chair, thinking.
Catherine felt more virtuous and less troubled than she had for some time, for she had watched Rufus being scolded, all to himself, and it more than wiped out her unhappiness at his telling her to come along when of course she was coming and he had no right even if she wasn’t. But she couldn’t see how anyone could look as if they were asleep and not wake up, and something else her mother had said—she tried hard to remember what it was—troubled her more deeply than that. And what was a norphan?
Rufus felt that his mother was seriously displeased with him. It was the wrong time to ask her. Maybe he ought not to have asked her at all. But he did want to know. He had not been sure whether or not he was an orphan, or the right kind of orphans.