A Discovery of Witches - Deborah Harkness [60]
“I fed on her until she was at the brink of death, forced her to drink my blood, and turned her into a creature without her permission because I was selfish and scared,” he said furiously. “In what way did I not kill her? I took her life, her identity, her vitality—that’s death, Hamish.”
“Why did you keep this from me?” Hamish tried not to care that his best friend had done so, but it was difficult.
“Even vampires feel shame,” Matthew said tightly. “I hate myself—and I should—for what I did to those women.”
“This is why you have to stop keeping secrets, Matt. They’re going to destroy you from the inside.” Hamish thought about what he wanted to say before he continued. “You didn’t set out to kill Eleanor and Cecilia. You’re not a murderer.”
Matthew rested his fingertips on the white-painted window frame and pressed his forehead against the cold panes of glass. When he spoke, his voice was flat and dead. “No, I’m a monster. Eleanor forgave me for it. Cecilia never did.”
“You’re not a monster,” Hamish said, worried by Matthew’s tone.
“Maybe not, but I am dangerous.” He turned and faced Hamish. “Especially around Diana. Not even Eleanor made me feel this way.” The mere thought of Diana brought the craving back, the tightness spreading from his heart to his abdomen. His face darkened with the effort to bring it under control.
“Come back here and finish this game,” Hamish said, his voice rough.
“I could go, Hamish,” Matthew said uncertainly. “You don’t have to share your roof with me.”
“Don’t be an idiot,” Hamish replied as quick as a whip. “You’re not going anywhere.”
Matthew sat. “I don’t understand how you can know about Eleanor and Cecilia and not hate me, too,” he said after a few minutes.
“I can’t conceive of what you would have to do to make me hate you, Matthew. I love you like a brother, and I will until I draw my last breath.”
“Thank you,” Matthew said, his face somber. “I’ll try to deserve it.”
“Don’t try. Do it,” Hamish said gruffly. “You’re about to lose your bishop, by the way.”
The two creatures dragged their attention back to the game with difficulty, and they were still playing in the early morning when Jordan brought up coffee for Hamish and a bottle of port for Matthew. The butler picked up the ruined wineglass without comment, and Hamish sent him off to bed.
When Jordan was gone, Hamish surveyed the board and made his final move. “Checkmate.”
Matthew let out his breath and sat back in his chair, staring at the chessboard. His queen stood encircled by his own pieces—pawns, a knight, and a rook. Across the board his king was checked by a lowly black pawn. The game was over, and he had lost.
“There’s more to the game than protecting your queen,” Hamish said. “Why do you find it so difficult to remember that it’s the king who’s not expendable?”
“The king just sits there, moving one square at a time. The queen can move so freely. I suppose I’d rather lose the game than forfeit her freedom.”
Hamish wondered if he was talking about chess or Diana. “Is she worth the cost, Matt?” he asked softly.
“Yes,” Matthew said without a moment of hesitation, lifting the white queen from the board and holding it between his fingers.
“I thought so,” Hamish said. “You don’t feel this way now, but you’re lucky to have found her at last.”
The vampire’s eyes glittered, and his mouth twisted into a crooked smile. “But is she lucky, Hamish? Is she fortunate to have a creature like me in pursuit?”
“That’s entirely up to you. Just remember—no secrets. Not if you love her.”
Matthew looked into his queen’s serene face, his fingers closing protectively around the small carved figure.
He was still holding it when the sun rose, long after Hamish had gone to sleep.
Chapter 10
Still trying to shake the ice from my shoulders left by Matthew’s stare, I opened the door to my rooms. Inside, the answering machine greeted me with a flashing red “13.” There were nine additional voice-mail messages on my mobile. All of them were from Sarah and reflected an escalating concern about what her sixth sense