A Hole in the Universe - Mary McGarry Morris [105]
When he stirred now in the depths of night, it was Jilly Cross’s sweet face he saw in his dreams, and this was deeply disturbing. He would wake up feeling like a hypocrite, unprincipled, corrupt. In his prison fantasies he had struggled to be faithful to the same centerfold women. When he did have to replace one, it was always with guilt and self-loathing. Paper-worn but ageless, his women never parted their legs for the camera’s ugly eye or touched themselves or stared out with brazen seduction. Instead they gazed off shyly, bodies turned ever so slightly as if they had been just about to cover themselves when the shutter clicked.
He was finishing his cereal when the doorbell rang. He rinsed the bowl quickly and was on his way into the other room when the frantic banging started. Ever more cautious since Jada’s night here, he checked the window. His brother’s car was in the driveway.
“Dennis!” he said, opening the door.
Dennis rushed inside. “What the hell’s wrong with you? Don’t you ever think anything through?”
“What do you—”
“She’s scared out of her mind! What’re you doing, following her now? Stalking her?”
“I wasn’t—”
“She just told me! She comes out of the post office and there you are? Warning her? Telling her to stay away from me?”
“I just told her . . . I said you were married, that’s—”
“Like she didn’t know that, right? Look,” Dennis said, shaking his head in wordless fury. “I don’t know how else to say this to you. But you can’t be doing this. You can’t keep fucking up my life! I can’t handle it anymore. I mean, all these years I’ve been trying to put it all back together. You . . . you can’t do this! If you want this to work, if you want us to have any kind of relationship, you’ve gotta stay way, way out of my way, Gordon! Do you hear me? Do you know what I’m saying?” He threw up his hands. “Jesus Christ, are you even listening to me?”
“I just don’t want anything to happen to you and Lisa. And the kids. You’re my family.”
“Nothing’s going to happen. There’s just some things you don’t understand. Just because you want things a certain way . . . I mean, life’s not like that—I’m not like that.”
“What are you like, then?” Gordon asked, then coughed to clear his wheezy throat.
“I’m like you,” Dennis said with a forced smile. “I make mistakes, but fundamentally, deep down, in here”—he pointed to his heart—“I’m a good, decent guy.”
“Not if you can’t be faithful to your wife, you’re not.”
The smile curdled. “You know, I could always see right through you. Same thing with Dad. He could never say what he really meant. He was always avoiding people, slinking around corners, trying to change one thing into something else. Like after you went away, no matter what I did, it was never enough. Nothing was going to make him happy. Nothing! No matter how hard I tried,” Dennis spat. “He never said it—how could he?—but deep down he resented every lousy little bit of happiness Mom and I tried so hard to have. Somehow we became the bad ones—like we were the murderers!”
Gordon struggled not to flinch or blink. “I’m sorry.”
“No! Just be honest—with yourself, at least. You’re trying to scare Jilly away because you want her.” Dennis glanced at his watch, then opened the door. “But that’s not the way it works, big brother.” He patted Gordon’s arm and smiled. “Uh-uh, no sir, no way.”
Dennis’s words kept coming back. It had been years since Gordon had felt this angry with him. He’d always considered his brother not just his best friend, but his only friend. And all this time Dennis had resented him, his visits to Fortley made out of the same sense of duty that kept him married to Lisa.
The store stayed busy through the