A Lesser Evil - Lesley Pearse [167]
It was good that Harry had gone with him yesterday to see his boss. Arnie Blake was a decent bloke, though short on humanity when he had penalty clauses hanging over his head. But Harry had a knack of putting things in such a way that anyone would feel obliged to go along with what he said. Arnie eventually told Dan he could have as much time off as he needed, and he’d still have a job to return to, but right now Dan thought if he didn’t get Fifi back in one piece he’d be flinging himself under a tube train.
He had never experienced misery like this before. Throughout his bleak childhood, National Service, periods of sleeping rough, terrible digs and all the other black spots in his life, some of which were caused by women, he’d still managed to remain cheerful. But then with every other woman he’d ever been involved with he’d always kept a part of himself back. He’d given all of himself to Fifi; she was his sun, moon and stars. Without her everything was grey, and he missed her physically as if he’d had a limb cut off.
Reluctantly he got out of bed, washed, shaved and put on his trousers, but as he opened the wardrobe to get out a clean shirt and saw all the freshly ironed ones that Clara had hung in there beside Fifi’s clothes, he began to cry.
He tried to laugh at himself but he couldn’t. Fifi hated ironing shirts, and mostly she just ironed the collar and the front and hung them up hoping he wouldn’t notice. To see them all perfect was absolute evidence she wasn’t here, and to him confirmation she was never coming back.
He had cried several times in the last few days, but not like this. It was as though something had broken inside him and he could no longer suppress the pain and anguish. He banged the wardrobe shut but it made no difference; everywhere there was evidence of Fifi – her hairbrush on the chest of drawers, the dressing-gown on the back of the door, her slippers by the bed.
He wrenched the dressing-gown off the door and holding it to his face he sobbed and sobbed. He could smell her Blue Grass perfume on the soft material, and the smell evoked memories of their wedding day and the first time they made love.
She was so innocent then, but so eager to please him. He’d never cared that she was a lousy cook, or that she didn’t like ironing or clearing up, he would gladly have waited on her hand and foot as long as he could spend every night with her beautiful body close to his and those soft arms around him.
‘Dan?’
At the sound of Miss Diamond’s voice he took the dressing-gown away from his face and saw the older woman in the bedroom doorway. She was dressed for work in a suit, and she looked very anxious.
‘I’m sorry to intrude,’ she said. ‘But I heard you crying and I was afraid you’d got bad news.’
The sympathy in her voice just made Dan cry harder, and all at once Miss Diamond had her arms round him, holding him tightly.
‘It was just the shirts, and seeing Fifi’s things,’ he managed to get out. ‘There’s no news yet.’
She took his hand and led him still bare-chested down to her kitchen where she sat him down, saying she was going to make him a cup of tea. But he was still unable to stop crying and she stood by his chair, held him to her breast and let him weep, just silently patting his back as if he were a small child.
‘You poor love,’ she said after a little while. ‘You’ve been so brave and strong for so long, but it’s all got too much for you.’
Dan calmed down enough to say he mustn’t stop her from going to work, but she waved that off by saying it didn’t matter, she could always make the time up another day. She made him tea, then some scrambled eggs, and asked if there had been any response from anyone now Fifi’s picture had been in the papers.
The tea and the eggs made Dan feel a little better, and he told her about what had gone on at the weekend and that Fifi