A Lesser Evil - Lesley Pearse [67]
In the first few years of school, Clara had to listen almost daily to complaints from Fifi’s teacher that she couldn’t concentrate and disrupted the class. Clara remembered biting back tears because she couldn’t bear the fact that her oldest child was so much trouble. No one, neither teachers nor doctors, had any practical advice to offer.
Clara had no choice but to battle away on her own with Fifi, making time to help her with reading and writing, at the expense of the other children. No one fully appreciated how exhausting it was, or what a thankless task it seemed. She had three perfect, completely lovable children, but the eldest, who had such a special place in her heart, drove her almost mad, and prevented her from enjoying the other three.
By eight or nine Fifi became more stable, and by ten she had caught up with other children of the same age. But Clara found it impossible to forget the havoc Fifi had wreaked in those early years. Perhaps that was why she was always so hard on her. Was it her unconscious way of getting back at Fifi for all the unhappiness and anxiety she’d caused in the past?
As she turned back to the kitchen, she began to cry. Harry would be cross with her when he found Fifi had gone off in a huff. Only yesterday he’d said that they should write to her and congratulate her about the baby. He’d also said it was high time they accepted Dan, for if Fifi loved him that was all that mattered. Clara guessed he’d be concerned about Dan’s injuries too; he wouldn’t jump to the conclusion, as she had, that Dan was involved with crooks and thugs. But most of all he’d be horrified that his wife had forced Fifi to rush back to London in an emotional state when she was pregnant.
Chapter eight
Fifi was on the way to the corner shop on Saturday morning when she saw Molly Muckle coming along the street towards her. Her heart sank, for she was in no mood for being accosted by anyone, especially someone like Molly.
Last night’s train journey home to London had seemed endless, and she’d had to fight back tears all the way. It was nearly midnight when she got to Paddington, and the tube on to Kennington was packed with drunks. By the time she got back to Dale Street she was completely wrung out. The flat was hot and airless, and when she opened the windows dozens of moths flew in towards the lights. The more she flapped at them with a newspaper, the more seemed to come in, and she finally burst into tears.
She had never felt so desperately alone. She wasn’t just angry with her mother, she felt a real sense of abandonment. While she hadn’t expected that just one visit would put everything absolutely right immediately, she had believed that the baby coming would make her mother soften. But now there was no way back. She had lost her family for good.
She might have told herself countless times that she didn’t need anyone but Dan, but now that was all she had, it didn’t seem anywhere near enough.
She couldn’t sleep because it was so hot, and her mind kept going over and over the nasty things her mother had said.
It was a relief when the sun finally came up, but the thought of a weekend all alone made her want to weep again. She didn’t want to have to tell Dan what had happened in Bristol, but if she just turned up to visit him and said she’d changed her mind about going home, he’d suspect something and keep on until she told him the truth. Nor could she stay away from him and pretend she was in Bristol, as when he came home he’d soon find out she’d been here all along.
The anxiety made her sick. She had to run to the bathroom and was in there for over half an hour until Miss Diamond hammered on the door and reminded her the bathroom wasn’t hers alone.
But by eleven, and feeling a bit better, Fifi decided to go out and buy a newspaper. When she saw Molly she wished she’d stayed indoors, or at least stayed on her own side of the street, for if she crossed back now to avoid the woman it would be all too obvious.
‘’Ow’s yer old man?’ Molly bawled