• Choose a category
• All
• Classic-Fiction

After all his talk I was expecting something special, but in reality Mil was rotten. He didn’t want Mike and me to do any offensive moves, as he said the thousands of fans in attendance wouldn’t believe in us. Yet he did nothing in the ring, besides flexing his saggy pectorals and dancing around like he had antalones in his pantalones. But the massive crowd went nuts for him anyway. After the match was finished he kept his mask on the entire time he was in the building, even while standing in the shower.

I was buzzing over working in such a big venue when I opened the backstage door to leave. I walked into the parking lot and couldn’t believe what I saw. Hundreds of fans were swarming around, all of them screaming and yelling. Chicks and guys, kids and old ladies, farmers and teenage girls, all of them pushing and hustling toward me. People were grabbing me and shouting, “León, León! Una foto (a picture)! Un beso (a kiss)!” Girls were clutching and pulling my hair and planting kisses on me with lips covered in cheap red lipstick. They were pinching my ass, grabbing my plums, and trying to steal my gear bag (I’m glad it wasn’t the other way around). It was like being in the middle of a scene in A Hard Day’s Night and I was the fifth Beatle. I felt fine.

I’d quickly become a bona fide celebrity in Monterrey and I was in demand. People wanted more than just the luchador and Elizondo booked me for a personal appearance at a factory Christmas party for a cool 600 pesos (200 bucks). It was easy money and all I had to do, according to him, was show up, shake some hands, kiss some babies, and I’d be on my merry way. It was a much better deal than wrestling in front of seven people in Bimby, Alberta.

I got to the factory and went to the party area. Streamers and balloons were taped to a bunch of tables, all of them facing the stage at the end of the room. I asked where the signing area was and was surprised when I was told there wouldn’t be one. This was going to be easier than I thought!

But when a lady introduced herself and said she was my translator for the speech, the night got a whole lot harder. “Speech?”

“Yes. You’ll need to have your speech on ecology translated for the kids, won’t you?”

That’s when I found out that Elizondo had booked me at the party to give a speech to the kids on the importance of ECOLOGY. I didn’t know anything about Mexico or anything about Spanish and I sure as hell didn’t know anything about ecology! I walked on stage and faced a bunch of kids wearing Santa hats staring at me with expectant looks on their faces. They had no clue who I was and were wondering what the hell I was going to say.

So was I.

I walked up to the podium and said “Hola,” the only Spanish word I knew. I followed up in English with “We are gathered here today,” and it just went downhill from there, as the translator repeated my every word in Spanish. Considering that I had no idea what I was saying I can only imagine what she was translating my words into.

“We all know that ecology is very important to the world today. It’s very important to love the trees because trees are our friends,” I pontificated wisely.

“His mother likes bananas,” the translator translated.

The kids stared at me with faces as blank as the Vote For Pedro guy. The parents whispered to each other in the back of the room, probably asking one another, “What is this jack-off talking about?”

I continued: “Make sure that you don’t chop the trees down. Don’t use a lot of paper, and don’t use gas-guzzling cars when you’re old enough to drive.”

“He worked a match in exchange for a hot dog and an orange juice,” the translator continued.

I finished off with a Feliz Navidad, and smiled broadly. A cricket chirped. A tumbleweed blew by. A child picked his nose. I walked off the stage and signed autographs for a mob of six kids. When I got my 600 pesos, I smiled and said thanks to the people in charge. They said the Spanish equivalent of “Whatever” and walked away in silence. I counted the cash and decided if even one of those kids became a future