A Lion's Tale_ Around the World in Spandex - Chris Jericho [51]
I walked over to Mike, who was getting the cold shoulder from Konnan and Love Machine, two other massively popular foreigners who’d worked that night for a rival company. Konnan had long braided cornrows and Love Machine (whose real name was Art Barr) held a cup of chewing tobacco spit in his hand that he—Phbbt—kept adding to constantly. They both grunted a cursory greeting and moved on, ignoring me.
Besides Mike and Magic, was every foreigner in this country a jerk?
At least the natives treated us well, especially the girls. Mike and I were experiencing different female representatives of the fine city on a nightly basis. One night we ended up at a Señor Frog’s on the night of the Monterrey Arm Wrestling Championship and, as local celebrities, we got front-row seats. After a grueling tournament a winner was crowned. He turned his attention to the two of us and started babbling in an aggressive manner.
One of the girls informed us that he was issuing an arm wrestling challenge. In the same way that every war in history has started, the girls batted their boobs and my machismo took over. I stepped forward and the patrons of the bar began chanting my name.
As the sounds of “León!” washed over me, I sat across from the champ and locked grips. This guy didn’t know about Scott Norton’s secret trick...but I did. I beat that bad boy in about thirty seconds and became the new Arm Wrestling Champion of Monterrey. I was doused in beer by the elated patrons like I’d just won the Stanley Cup. I was given a little tin trophy that said CAMPEÓN, which I gave to one of the girls the next morning.
Despite the available women that were seemingly on twenty-four-hour call, I was still a virgin. I guess I took Paul Stanley’s advice about leaving the women behind a little too literally. Don’t get me wrong: I’d had my dalliances, but because of my Christian beliefs I hadn’t done any full-fledged shagging. But when I met Raquel the temptation was just too much to resist. She was a Modelo girl, which was like a Budweiser girl, and her picture was on posters all over Mexico. She had the classic Latina body, built like J-Lo, with long black hair and a gorgeous face.
I met her at a party after the matches and you could cut the attraction with a knife. It was one of those times when you know it’s on from the very first glance. In one of the most awkward situations ever, I invited her back to my hotel where Mike was sleeping in the other bed. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the nervousness, maybe it was the fact that the lights were on and Mike was pretending to sleep only a few feet away, but my first sexual performance lasted all of twenty seconds. It was quite frankly THE worst sexual performance of all time and a real waste because, like I said, Raquel was smoking hot. Here’s a few words of wisdom from Uncle J: If the girl you just had sex with for the first time is giggling and patting your shoulder, it’s not a good thing. Sorry Raquel—I gave it my best shot.
CHAPTER 16
THE GOAT BUS
Shortly after my short (in more ways than one) performance, Mike and I headed back to Calgary for Christmas break and I received a call at the Palkos’ from a toymaker I’d met in Monterrey. His company made all of the luchador action figures and he told me that Paco Alonso, the Vince McMahon of Mexico, was interested in hiring me. Mexico City was the big time and wrestling there was a major step up the food chain. I’d hoped to work there from the moment I arrived in Monterrey.
I flew to Mexico City