A Lion's Tale_ Around the World in Spandex - Chris Jericho [57]
It was always a relief to return to the Plaza where I could blow off steam with the other outsiders who dwelled there. Our gang had been joined by another gringo that I knew from watching the AWA years before, King Haku.
After the AWA, he’d gone on to become a star in the WWE and had even been a tag team champion with Andre the Giant. Haku was huge, standing 6 foot 3 and weighing over 300 pounds, but he was one of the kindest men I’ve ever met, with a heart of pure gold. We both worked for Paco, so we saw each other almost on a daily basis and bonded quickly.
Haku’s real name was Tonga UliUli Fifita and he was from the isle of Tonga in the South Pacific. When people asked him questions about his background it usually turned into an Abbott and Costello routine.
“What’s your name?”
“Tonga.”
“Where are you from?”
“Tonga.”
“So, what’s your name?”
“Tonga.”
“But where are you from?”
“TONGA! My name is Tonga and I’m from Tonga! Get it?”
Tonga started his career as a sumo wrestler in Japan before making a name for himself in the States. He was the first major WWF star I’d met and I deluged him with countless questions about working for Vince McMahon.
“When you were in the WWF, who made your costumes for you?”
“Do you have to come up with your name or does Vince McMahon?”
“Do you have to pay for your own plane tickets?”
“Do you wear boxers or briefs?”
Tonga finally snapped. “Why do you ask me so many questions? Stop asking so many questions. You’re like a child!”
I started to weep.
The first show we were booked on together was in Acapulco and since we were in the main event, we convinced the promoter to fly us in. That saved us from another of Marlin Perkinez’ Wild Kingdom bus rides.
I arrived at the airport late for my flight, so I checked in quickly and ran through the concourse to security. When the guard asked to see the contents of my bag, I explained that I only had minutes to make my flight. He flashed a gold-toothed grin and slowly unzipped the case. He pulled out a tube of toothpaste and asked me what it was. When I told him it was a tube of toothpaste, he said he didn’t believe me. I looked at my watch and saw my flight was leaving in ten minutes. He examined my deodorant and my gonch (sicko). Then he found my title belt and mockingly placed it around his waist, doing a little jig for his fellow guards. He was obviously fucking with me and I lost my cool.
Maybe it was because I was a luchador, maybe it was because I was a gringo, but it pissed me off that he was going to make me miss my flight, so I grabbed my Right Guard and threw it at the Wrong Guard. I started swearing and throwing a temper tantrum, which was the worst thing to do and I knew it but I couldn’t help it. I was digging my own grave and I’d gone too far to turn back. In mid-tirade I felt a hand on my back, so I turned around and gave its owner a solid push to the chest, causing her to fall down.
That’s right...HER.
I’d shoved a female guard and she’d fallen hard to the floor. “Oh shit...here we go,” I thought.
The guards surrounded me, shouting in Spanish. It was like something out of a bad Van Damme movie (was there ever a good Van Damme movie?) as the platoon advanced toward me. I had no idea what I was going to do, when suddenly in the distance I heard a deep voice yelling, “HEY! WHAT’S GOING ON DERE?”
I turned to look and I’ve never in my life been so happy to see a 300-pound Tongan. Tonga entered the fray and immediately pawed two of the cops out of his way. When another guard got in his face, he lifted the guy off the ground by his jacket. Pancho’s feet were kicking in midair just like Darth Vader’s first victim in the beginning of Star Wars. Moments later Tonga and I were back to back like gunfighters in the O.K. Corral. Then for the second time in my life I had a gun pulled on me, this time by an airport policeman.
The guards marched us through the concourse while travelers stared at us like we were a pair of criminals, which at that point we were. They left us in a little room with no chairs or windows so we sat on