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By Root 1539 0

was too big a star to lodge at SMF, but Corny’s next hire wasn’t. Jimmy had seen a guy called Johnny K-9 working in Detroit and recruited him to be a powerhouse heel named Bruiser Bedlam. To save on hotel fees, he invited Bruiser to stay with us at SMF, unbeknownst to Anthony and me. Bruiser was built like a cigarette machine with a head on it and that head was shaved bald with a sole shock of hair sprouting out of the side of his skull. He had gold hoops hanging off each ear, a huge handlebar mustache, and a cache of prison tattoos that he’d received, coincidentally, in prison. The biggest one was an entire sentence written across his stomach saying TRUE TO THE CREW (which was his catchphrase). I saw this tattoo because he never wore a shirt—ever—only flip-flops and gym shorts.

He was really friendly and called everybody “buddy,” but the man truly did not give a shit. He’d walk into Wendy’s (sans shirt), grab a dirty tray and use it for a buffet plate—no charge of course. When he needed new flip-flops he’d walk into Wal-Mart (party central), put on new ones, and walk out.

He’d bench-press six plates on each side of the bar and, after a few reps, pretend that he couldn’t lift the weight off his chest. When people panicked and came to assist, he’d laugh maniacally, yell “Fuck you!” and do an additional three or four reps. He constantly talked about sex and bragged about all the girls who’d enjoyed “Honking on Bobo.”

After Bruiser had crashed uninvited with us for a few days, he decided to repay our hospitality by doing the dishes. The next day, I went to get a plate and noticed that it had a bunch of crusty shit all over it. On closer inspection, I found that all of the dishes had crusty shit on them. Fearing the worst, I watched Bruiser the next time he washed the dishes and saw that for him “washing” consisted of holding the dirty dish under the faucet for a few seconds before putting it back into the cupboard. No soap, no scrubbing, no hassle.

He had been getting on my nerves from the first day he stayed with us, and when I told him that I would take care of the dishes from then on, he got really pissed and insisted HE would do them. The debate escalated until I finally boiled over: “You know what, man? You’re obnoxious and you’re getting on my nerves with this TRUE TO THE CREW bullshit. What does that even mean?”

“Buddy, I’m going to show you what happens when you disrespect THE CREW! I’m gonna whip your ass right now.” He put up his dukes and got into a fighting stance. “I’m gonna throw hands, prison-style.”

As I said, this guy was a convict and twice my size but I didn’t give a shit. It was one of the stupidest decisions of my life, but if I was going down, I was taking him with me. I’d already decided that I was going to rip the pirate hoop out of his ear if he got close enough.

Since I didn’t have a CREW to be TRUE to and I’d never been to prison, I wanted to let him know that I was no slouch.

“I’m gonna throw hands Winnipeg-style!”

I wasn’t sure what that meant but I was hoping it would scare him.

Instead, a smile broke out on his face. Then he burst out laughing and dropped his dukes.

“You know what, Winnipeg? I’ve got a lot of respect for you. I’m not going to fight you. You’re TRUE TO THE CREW, buddy.”

I was a huge fan of the Shout at the Devil record, but that wasn’t important—Winnipeg had saved the day.

With that, I established myself as the king of the SMF castle. That is until Boo Bradley came a-calling.

Cornette brought Boo (who became Balls Mahoney in ECW) in to be Candido’s partner and gave him the gimmick of a strange simpleton. The best gimmicks are extensions of real-life qualities and while I’m not sure if Boo was simple, he sure was strange. He was obsessed with Satanic death metal and constantly sang songs in a high-pitched, King Diamond soprano. He never seemed to have any clean clothes and had a stench cloud surrounding him. Cornette should’ve given him a Pigpen gimmick.

Even though he reeked, I could’ve dealt with him, as he was no worse than Bruiser. But the straw that broke the