A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [134]
Doesn’t look like I have a choice about that, Mom.
I look at Randall.
I’ll plead guilty, but for now, tell them I’ll keep running unless I get some placement other than placement on a Maximum Security Block. Try and get the time down, if you can. If there’s any sort of choice, which sounds like an incredible longshot, I would rather do more time than go into Max.
Randall nods, speaks.
You said for now, what’s later?
I don’t know.
He looks to my Father.
Does this sound okay to you?
My Father speaks.
Let’s see what happens.
Randall looks at his watch, closes his file, stands.
I need to go. I’ll call North Carolina and Michigan and tell them we’ve got deals. I’ll call Ohio and see what I can do. I can’t promise anything.
I stand, reach for his hand.
Thank you.
He takes it.
You’re welcome.
My Father does the same and Randall walks out. My Mother is staring at the floor. She looks as if she wants to cry, but there are no more tears. Daniel speaks.
Would you like to be alone?
My Father nods.
Yes, please.
Daniel stands.
I’ll be at the Family Center if you need anything.
Thank you.
Daniel leaves. My Father stares at the table, my Mother at the floor. I stare at the wall. There is an awful, uncomfortable silence. The type of silence just after a bomb explodes and just before the screaming starts. We sit in our chairs. We breathe, we think, we stare. It is awful and uncomfortable. The bomb has exploded. We all just sit and stare.
The wall isn’t giving me any answers. It just sits there bright and white. I look up and see my Father take a deep breath and look up at me.
It has been an interesting and enlightening day and a half.
I’m sorry.
He shakes his head.
It’s much worse than I thought, James.
I know. I’m sorry.
I don’t know if we can help you this time.
I don’t think you should.
We’re your Parents. It’s our instinct to try and help you.
I don’t think you can this time, Dad.
He shakes his head. My Mother speaks.
I’m sorry, James.
I look at her.
You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, Mom.
I am though. I just keep wondering what we did wrong.
You didn’t do anything wrong, Mom.
We must have done something.
She starts to break down. My Father stands and he goes to her. He pulls out a chair next to her and he puts his arms around her. She buries her face in his shoulder.
She cries. I watch her cry. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t take her crying, I can’t take the guilt I feel because of it. I can’t let her take responsibility for what I am and for what I have done, I can’t let her try to accept any of the blame. I created this situation and I made the decisions that led me to where I am today. I made every goddamn one of them. It’s not her fault, nor anyone else’s fault. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t take it.
I push my chair back. I stand. My Father is holding my Mother as my Mother cries. She is crying because of me. I step toward them. I step again. I am two steps away I step again. I am one step away. They are not paying attention to me. They are lost in their own sorrow. Sorrow they do not deserve. Sorrow I have dumped down upon them. I step again. I am there. I am next to them. I am there.
The Fury speaks it says no. The Fury speaks it says turn and run. The Fury speaks it says fuck them let them deal with it. The Fury speaks it says I will make you pay. I say fuck the Fury. My Mother is crying. Fuck the goddamn Fury.
I get down on one knee. I am close enough to smell her tears. I reach forward and I touch my Mother’s shoulder. It is the first time in all of my memory that I have initiated contact with either my Mother or my Father. I firm my grip so she knows it is there. It is the first time in all of my memory that I have initiated contact with either my Mother or my Father. The first time in my life. She lifts her head and she turns toward me. I speak.
Mom.
She stares at me.
I’m sorry.
She has been broken.
Truly, truly sorry.
Broken by me.
I fucked up your life, all of our lives, and I’m truly truly sorry.
She smiles a smile of happiness and a smile of sorrow,