A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [17]
I need something, but it’s not help.
As the Doctor onstage answers questions I stand and I walk out of the Lecture Hall. I head back to the Unit hoping to make it to my bed and hoping that my bed will make me feel better. As I walk by Ken’s Office he calls for me and I ignore him and I keep walking. He comes into the Hall and he calls for me again.
James.
I stop.
What?
I lean against the wall.
You all right?
He walks toward me.
I feel like shit, I need to lie down.
He stops in front of me.
You can lie down later. It’s time for your test.
What test?
The MMPI. I told you about it this morning.
I don’t want to take it.
Why?
Because I feel like shit and I need to lie down.
You’re gonna feel like shit for a while.
Maybe, but I still don’t want to take your test.
It’s not optional.
I can’t take it later?
No, we need you to take it now. It helps us know how to help you, and we want to start helping you right away.
Fine.
We walk past the Lecture Hall and through a maze of carpeted Corridors and we enter a small bare white Room with two chairs and a table. Ken sits down and I sit down. On the table in front of us is a large stapled booklet and a form answer sheet and a pencil. Ken speaks.
It’s a very simple test. All of the questions are true or false, you can take as long as you want to answer them. When you’re finished come back to my Office and if I’m not there, leave your responses on my desk. A staff Psychologist will analyze everything and in two days we’ll go over the results together.
All right.
Any questions?
No.
Ken leaves and I grab the pencil and the answer sheet and I open the booklet and I start reading it. The pages are filled with questions and I begin answering them.
I am a stable person.
False.
I think the World is aligned against me.
False.
I think my problems are caused by others.
False.
I don’t trust anybody.
False.
I hate myself.
True.
I often think of death.
True
Suicide is a reasonable option.
True.
My sins are unpardonable.
I stare at the question.
My sins are unpardonable.
I stare at the question.
My sins are unpardonable.
I leave it blank.
I finish five hundred and sixty-six of the five hundred and sixty-seven true-or-false questions of the test and I close the booklet and I lay down my pencil and I take a deep breath. Hours have passed and I am exhausted and I want a drink. Vodka, gin, rum, tequila, bourbon, scotch. I don’t care. Just give me a drink. A nice strong alcoholic drink. I tell myself that I only want one but I know it’s not true. I want fucking fifty.
I grab my answer sheet and I stand and I leave the Room and I walk back to Ken’s Office and I leave my test and my answer sheet on his desk and I walk into the Unit. The day’s activities are done and the men are spread out in small groups across both of the Levels. They are playing cards, talking shit, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. The phone is free and I haven’t talked to my Parents, my Brother or any of my friends, so I walk down to the Lower Level and I grab a chair and I sit down by the phone and I pick up the receiver and I start making collect calls.
I call my friend Amy. I call my friend Lucinda. I call my friend Courtney. They were all originally her friends but when she left and everybody else left they stood with me. I love all three dearly and the conversations upset me. I call, they answer. I tell them that I got hurt, that I came here, that I’m going to try to get better. I tell them I don’t know if I can. They cry and they ask me if I need anything and I tell them no. They ask if they can help in any way. I tell them they’ve given me enough. We hang up.
I call my Brother. He asks me how I am and I tell him that I’m holding up. He tells me that he’s worried about me and that he wants to come and see me. I tell him I don’t know what today is but that Visiting Day is on Sunday and I’d like it if he came. He tells me to be brave and I tell him that I’m trying. He tells me that he’s proud of me and I say thanks. I tell him I need to go and he says to call