A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [187]
I call my Mother and Father. They are on the other side of the World and it is the early morning there. My Father answers the phone. He sounds as if he’s asleep. I ask him if I should call him back and he says no, hold on for a second. I wait. My Mother picks up the phone and says hello and she also sounds as if she’s asleep. My Father picks up another phone. There is an echo and a delay.
I tell them I am leaving in two days. They are both surprised. My Father asks me if I am ready to leave and I tell him I feel ready, but that I won’t know how ready until after I’m gone. My Mother asks what that means and I tell her I won’t know how much better I am, if I am better at all, until I am in the outside World. My Dad asks what that means and I tell him that it’s easy to stay sober in here because there is nothing to tempt me. He asks me if I am ready to deal with temptation and I tell him I believe that I am, but that I won’t know until I leave. He sighs as if he is frustrated. My Mother sighs as if she is frustrated.
I ask them how they are and they say they are fine. I ask them how Tokyo is and my Mother says they wish they were closer to me so that they could offer me more support. I tell her that they have done more than enough. My Father tells me he’s worried about me and I tell him he shouldn’t be, that I have never felt better or stronger in my life. He says that is reassuring. He doesn’t sound as if he thinks it’s reassuring.
They ask me what my plans are and I tell them I’m going to call Bob and try to spend a couple of days with him and then I am going to go to Ohio and start serving my time. They ask me how I’m going to get there and I tell them I’m probably going to take a Bus. They offer to get me a Plane ticket and I say thank you, but no. My Mother asks me if I need anything and I tell her no. My Father asks me to call them when I am with Bob and I tell them I will. He tells me to be careful. I tell him I will. My Mother tells me to be careful. I tell her I will. They tell me they love me and I tell them I love them and we hang up.
I call my Brother. He is not home, so I speak into his answering machine. I tell him that I’m being released the day after tomorrow and that I would like it if he could come pick me up. I tell him that if he can’t, not to worry about it, that I’ll find my way. I ask him, whether he picks me up or not, if I can stay with him for a couple of days, if I can sleep on his couch or on his floor or wherever there is space. I ask him to call me back. I leave him the number. I hang up.
I step out of the Phone Booth and I walk to the shelves where I found the crayons for my coloring book. Next to the crayons there is a small stack of yellow legal pads. Next to the pads is a coffee mug full of pens. I take a pad and a pen and I walk to the Upper Level and I get a tall cup of coffee steaming hot and black. I put the pen in my pocket and I carry the pad in one hand and the coffee in the other and I walk back down the stairs. I open the sliding-glass door with my foot and I step outside.
The Sun is shining. Bright and high, though not warm. A slow breeze moves the air like a whisper. I walk across stiff grass frozen now and for the term of Winter. I walk toward the Lake it is hard and still and it is covered in a shell of ice. I sit down on one of the benches the middle bench and I take a sip of the coffee and I light a cigarette. I look at the pad and the pad is yellow and empty.
I start thinking back across the length of my life. I start thinking about all that I have done and all that I have done that was wrong. I start young, or as young as I can remember. I was bad even then, as young as I can remember. I start writing.
Ran over a Nursery School Teacher with a Big Wheel. I did it on purpose. I was four. Hit a boy with a bookbag full of books and broke his nose. His name was Fred. I was six. Dug a hole and tricked a boy named Michael into climbing