A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [190]
The Unit is crowded with men relaxing before dinner. I don’t speak to any of them. I walk up the stairs and I go to my Room and I walk into the Bathroom and I stand before the mirror. I have written the wrongs of my life they are in my pocket I want to see if I can face myself. I put my hands on the sink. They shake against the white porcelain. I start to look up toward the mirror. I can see my lips quivering. I get to my nose to the black lashes beneath my eyes I go to the bottom of my eyes. To the pale green. To the dirty green. To the green that is impure. I am staring at the bottom of the green there is only one thing keeping me from looking into my own eyes. Looking into my own self. Looking into the past that is mine and that is in my pocket. That Motherfucker in Paris. There is only one thing.
I let go of the sink and I turn and I walk out the Bathroom. I walk to the Dining Hall and I eat dinner with Miles and Michael. After dinner I go to the Lecture, but I don’t listen to it. After the Lecture, I go back to my Room.
I try to read, but I can’t.
I climb into bed and I try to sleep.
There is one thing.
That haunts me.
Still.
Chapter 19
I sleep through the night. Without interruption, without the aid of chemicals. It is the second night in a row I have slept without interruption and without drugs and alcohol. It is a new record.
When I wake it is morning early morning. Not dark, but not yet light. It is gray. Gray like fading sadness, gray like rising fear. Not dark, but not yet light.
I get out of bed. Miles is asleep I walk quietly to the Bathroom. I shower and I shave and I brush my teeth. I get dressed and I leave the Room.
I get a cup of coffee and I sit down at a table and I drink the coffee and I smoke cigarettes and I watch the men do their morning Jobs. One cleans the kitchen, one takes out the garbage, one vacuums the floor. I see a man carrying the supplies for the Group Toilets. They seem so long ago. The Group Toilets. Roy. So long ago.
I finish the coffee. I walk through the Halls to the Dining Hall. I get another cup of coffee and I look for a table. Matty is alone in the corner I sit with him.
He stares at his food. I can see his eyes they are bloodshot and swollen. A fork shakes in his hand. A glass shakes in the other. He stares at his food. I speak.
You okay, Matty?
He shakes his head.
What’s wrong?
He shakes his head.
Is there anything I can do?
He shakes his head.
Do you want me to leave?
He shakes his head.
I sit with him. I sit with him and I sip my coffee. He sits and he stares at his food. His hands shake and he doesn’t speak. He just stares at his food.
I finish my coffee and I stand and I ask him if he needs anything. He looks up at me and he speaks.
Don’t leave.
I sit back down.
Okay.
He looks at me. His eyes are bloodshot and swollen.
I need someone to sit with me.
I’m here.
He looks at me. His eyes are bloodshot and swollen.
It’s over, James.
What do you mean?
My fucking life. It’s fucking done.
What are you talking about?
He sets down his fork, releases his glass. His hands continue to shake.
I found out my Wife started smoking.
Started smoking what?
He starts to break down.
The fucking rock.
He stops himself.
Shit, Matty. I’m sorry.
He shakes his head.
She had never done it before. She was supposed to take care of our Kids until I got out of here. She got all fucking curious about what the shit was and why it did what it did to me and she went out and she fucking tried some.
How’d you find out?
My Grandma called me. Said she went by the house and found the Kids alone. They hadn’t been fed in a couple of days and our little one was sitting on the floor in a dirty fucking diaper. She waited there till my Wife came back and when she did, she was all fucked up and