A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [195]
When she stands to take her tray to the conveyor, I stand as well. I walk slowly and I try to time my arrival so that it coincides with her arrival. I know if I speak to her or try to get her to acknowledge me I will get her in trouble, so I’m not going to try. I just want to be near her. Near enough to feel her presence. Near enough to see the details of her face. Near enough to smell the scent of her hair. I just want to be near her.
She arrives at the conveyor and she places her tray on it. The other women are behind her, and I am behind them. When she turns around, she sees me and she smiles. It is a wide smile, a beautiful smile. I have missed that smile, I have missed it. I smile back, though what I want to do is put my arms around her and hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her. That’s all I want to do. Put my arms around her and hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her.
The other women place their trays on the conveyor and they turn around and they walk away and Lilly walks away with them. I place my tray on the conveyor and I follow them down the Glass Corridor and into the Halls. At the entrance to the Lecture Hall, they turn and they go inside. I walk past to Joanne’s Office.
The door is open when I arrive. I walk inside and Ken and Joanne are sitting on the couch. They are each looking at files that are sitting on their laps. I sit in the chair opposite them and I wait for them to finish. Joanne looks up.
We were just going over your Posttreatment Plan.
How’s it look?
Ken speaks.
If you follow it, it will serve you very well.
Joanne closes her file, sits up. Ken closes his file and he hands it to me.
I take it and I open it and I look at it. It is filled with AA literature and schedules of AA Meetings in Chicago. I close it.
Looks good.
Joanne speaks.
You should take a little more time to look at it.
Why?
There’s more in there than you think there is.
All I saw were things related to AA.
Ken speaks.
That’s because we’re recommending that you attend AA.
I look at Joanne.
I thought we were through with this bullshit.
Ken wanted to go over it again and I agreed that we should.
Why?
Ken speaks.
Because you won’t stay sober without AA.
Why do you think that?
Because it is the only thing that works.
It might be the only thing that works for you, but it won’t work for me.
Why?
I don’t believe in the Twelve Steps. I don’t believe in God or any form of Higher Power. I refuse to turn my life and my will over to anything or anyone, much less something I don’t believe in.
Then what are you going to do?
I’m going to live my life. I am going to take things as they come and I will deal with what is in front of me when it is in front of me. When alcohol or drugs or both are in front of me, I will make a decision not to use them. I’m not going to live in fear of alcohol or drugs, and I’m not going to spend my time sitting and talking with people who live in fear of them. I am not going to be dependent on anything but myself.
Ken shakes his head.
That’s a recipe for disaster.
I laugh at him.
I guess we’ll see.
Joanne speaks.
I’ve said this before, James, and though I’ve been impressed by the way you’ve come to terms with your addictions and your life, I feel it is my responsibility to say it again.
What?
The odds of someone with your substance abuse history staying sober without tremendous amounts of support, both in AA and therapy, be it individual therapy or Group therapy, are a million to one. A million to one at best.
Those odds don’t scare me.
Ken speaks.
A million to one, James.
It’s a million to one that I’m here right now. A million to one doesn’t scare me.
Joanne speaks.
I think it would make Ken and me feel better if you’d at least go over what’s in the file with us.
Okay.
I open my copy of the file, they open their copies, and we start going over it. It has a