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I walk to the benches in front of the Lake. I sit down on the middle bench. I light a cigarette and I stare at the frozen water. It is silent and black, unmoving. There are sticks and leaves trapped within it. Solitary bats dive along its surface.

The Phantom starts to take shape. It reveals itself as fear. I don’t fight it or even try. I don’t think I could fight it if I wanted to fight it.

I am scared. I don’t know what I am scared of, I am just scared. As I sit and I smoke and I stare at the Lake, my fear starts to form itself.

I am scared. I am scared of leaving here. I am scared of losing the protection and security that exists within these boundaries. I am scared of going to Jail, I am scared of what is going to happen to me there. I am scared of alcohol and drugs and I am scared of drinking alcohol and using drugs. I am scared of what might happen if I do. I am scared of what might happen if I don’t. I am scared scared scared. I am scared of everything. I am scared of sex, of a Job, of money, of having a place to live. I am scared of the thought of having these things, I am scared of the thought of not having them. I am scared of Lilly. I am scared of loving her and I am scared of letting her love me. I am scared of having her, I am scared of losing her, I am scared of living with her, I am scared of living without her. I am scared of having my heart broken. I am scared by her fragility and dependence. I’m scared of living. I’m scared of dying. I’m scared of living. I’m scared.

I sit and I stare at the Lake. I smoke. I watch the sky turn gray there is no Sun. I ask a bank of thick gray clouds what to do. I ask a bat what to do. I ask the grass, the ice, a frozen stick, a dead worm, the benches. Each of the benches. What do I do?

Fear is only fear. I already know that nothing can hurt me more than I have already hurt myself. I know there is no pain that I cannot endure. I know that by holding on each moment each hour each day the days add up each week each month if I hold on I will be fine. I know I am strong. I know I am strong enough to confront what I fear and I know I am strong enough to hold on until the fear goes away. I believe this in my heart.

I laugh. I laugh out loud. The answers to my questions are simple if I allow them to be simple. They are all in my lap I just need to look down. I am scared of everything. I am scared because I allow myself to be scared. There is nothing that should scare me. I laugh out loud because it is so simple. I shouldn’t be scared of anything. I am not scared of anything. Simple as that. Not one fucking thing.

I stand and I walk back to the Unit. I open the door and I go inside. The men are awake now. They are doing their morning Jobs, reading the newspaper, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. I go over to the shelves and I tear a piece of yellow paper off one of the pads and I take a pen from the mug. I put them in my pocket and I go to my Room. Miles is standing by his bed. He turns around and he looks at me.

Hello, James.

Hi.

Are you excited to be leaving?

I smile.

I am. Are you excited to see your Wife?

I am very excited.

I hope it all works out for the two of you.

I have a feeling that it is going to.

I smile again.

Good.

I pull the pen and paper from my pocket.

I was wondering if I could get your address and phone number?

If I can have yours.

I don’t really have either one.

When you get them will you give them to me?

Of course, but you’ll hear from me before that.

I would hope so.

He takes the pen and the paper and he sits down on his bed. He puts the paper on his lap and he writes down his information. He stands and he hands the paper and the pen back to me. He speaks.

It has been an honor getting to know you, James. I appreciate everything you have given me. I’ll always wish you the best and I’ll always be there if you ever need help with anything.

That might be the first time anyone has ever said it was an honor getting to know me.

He laughs.

Thanks for all your help, Miles.