A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [29]
James?
Every fiber and every cell is white hot and burning.
James?
The pain is greater than I could have imagined.
James?
I take a deep breath.
Do what you need to do. Just get it over with.
Low muffled voices, the opening and closing of cabinets, the changing of instruments. The drill is turned on. I sit and I wait.
The drill comes and the drill hits and I squeeze the balls so hard that I think my fingers are fucking breaking and I moan. I moan in a steady tone that fills my ears so that I don’t have to hear the drill but I still hear it and I concentrate on the sound of the moan so that it will distract me from the pain but it doesn’t. Bayonet bayonet bayonet bayonet bayonet. The drill makes a hole and moves around the circumference of the hole and makes it wider and the grit mixes with the spray and moves down my throat and collects beneath my tongue. Bayonet, bayonet, bayonet. The hole gets larger and larger. Bayonet bayonet bayonet. There’s a fucking drill in my mouth. Bayonet.
The drill stops, the pain continues, the squeezing continues, my moan continues. Doctor Stevens tells the Nurses and the other Dentist to move quickly and they do. They stuff the hole with some sort of putty and they wipe it away and they stuff it and they wipe it away. The stuffing buffers the open pain of the hole and the piercing pain fades and a dull throbbing agony remains and my heart beats strong and steady and the agony beats along with it and it doesn’t bother me. I have lived with agony for so long that as it beats along with my strong and steady heart, it doesn’t bother me.
I stop moaning and I open my eyes and through the deep well of tears resting atop them I can see some sort of blue light being held above me and being focused on the putty. The putty gets hard and closes and melts around the hole and I hear the sander and see it moving in and I close my eyes and the sander hits and the chemical grit of the putty fills my mouth. The process repeats itself. Putty, blue light, sander. Putty, blue light, sander. I become immune to it and immune to its pain and I squeeze the tennis balls and I wait for it to end and it ends. One down, three to go.
Now we want to cap the outside right tooth.
I nod yes.
Do you want a break before we do it?
I shake my head no.
A moment of preparation and then the sander comes back and I endure it easily. There is no cavity and no drill so the putty and the light come back and they’re nothing. I’m holding the balls but not squeezing, the steady moan is gone, my heart rests. An easy and seamless rebuilding on the outside right. Two down, two to go.
I hear the shuffling of feet and the shuffling of instruments and the opening and closing of cabinet drawers and I open my eyes. Doctor Stevens is speaking with the other Dentist and the Nurses are putting the used instruments in a small sink for sterilization. Doctor Stevens finishes talking and the other Dentist leaves the room.
Is there a problem?
No, there’s no problem.
I sit up.
Where’s he going?
Doctor Stevens pulls up the stool.
I didn’t want to tell you this until we were ready to start, but I want to strap you down while we’re doing the root canals.
Why?
Aside from the factor of pain, one of the reasons we anesthetize Patients during root-canal procedures is so they don’t move. We need you to be still to work, and I’m not sure you’ll be able to be still if you’re not strapped down.
Fine.
You’re sure you’re okay with it.
Yeah, I’m fine.
The Dentist returns carrying two long thick blue nylon straps with large pressure-secure buckles. They are the kind of straps used to hold large objects onto the roofs of cars, to hook boats up to trailers, to keep the doors of animal cages shut. They have seen some use and they are the only thing in the Room besides me and the tennis balls that is not sparklingly clean.
I lean back in the chair and the Dentist steps forward. The Nurses have stopped cleaning the instruments and they are staring me.
Could hold your arms at your sides?
I put my arms along the sides of