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By Root 1092 0

reminded him of an experience he had in a French Cathedral after serving as a Soldier in World War I. As he sat in a pew during sunset, Bill was filled with a peace and serenity unlike any he had ever known and unlike any he had thought possible. He was filled with the Glory of God. The memories of that moment and the sobriety of his converted friend had a profound effect on Bill. He became convinced that trusting in God, or in some form of a Higher Power, could transform his life. He decided at that instant to turn his will over and place himself unreservedly under God’s care and direction. He never drank again, he developed the Twelve Steps and the concept of Alcoholics Anonymous, and he devoted his life to spreading the word. It is a touching story, and it is written more to convince than to tell. I am not convinced. No way, not at all. Not at all.

I read the rest of the book, which is mostly about the Twelve Steps. There are chapters with titles like There Is a Solution, How It Works, Into Action, and Vision for You. It is all very simple. If you do what the book says, you will be cured. If you follow their righteous path, that path will lead you straight to redemption. If you join the club, you’re the lucky winner of a lifelong supply of bullshit Meetings full of whining, complaining and blaming. Praise Be the Glory. I want to get down on my knees. Praise Be the Glory Hallelujah.

Near the end, there is a section of testimonials. There is one by a Dentist, one by a European Drinker, one by a Salesman, one by an Educated Agnostic. They were all Alcoholic disasters, they all found God, they all started dancing the Twelve Step, they all got better. As with most testimonials like this that I’ve read or heard or been forced to endure, something about them strikes me as weak, hollow and empty. Though the people in them are no longer drinking and doing drugs, they’re still living with the obsession. Though they have achieved sobriety, their lives are based on the avoidance, discussion and vilification of the chemicals they once needed and loved. Though they function as human beings, they function because of their Meetings and their Dogma and their God. Take away their Meetings and their Dogma and they have nothing, Take them away and they are back where they started. They have an addiction.

Addictions need fuel. I am not convinced Meetings and a Dogma and a God can fuel mine. If what the Doctor says at the beginning is true, and joining AA is the only way to cure me, then I’m completely fucked. Fucked fucked fucked.

I put the book back on the shelf. I stand and I go to the Job Board and I see my name is still listed next to the Group Toilets. I get the cleaning supplies and I go to the Group Toilets and they haven’t been cleaned in a couple of days and they are disgusting. There is spit in the sink, dried piss on the floor, bloody toilet paper in the garbage cans, shit stains on the porcelain bowls. I am sure Roy had something to do with this, but I am in no mood for game playing and retaliating, so I take the supplies and I start cleaning. It is a foul endeavor. I vomit twice and I have to clean my own vomit as well as the spit and the piss and the bloody tissue and the shit. When I am done, and the walls and the sink and the floor and the garbage can and the porcelain are sparkling, I feel no sense of accomplishment or satisfaction. I will not do this again. No fucking way.

I leave the Group Toilets and I return the cleaning supplies and I walk to my Room. I open the door and I step inside. The furniture I destroyed has been replaced. Larry, whose whereabouts are still unknown, has been replaced. There is a short Bald Man in his bed and the short Bald Man is snoring. Warren and John are sleeping in their beds. John is mumbling and twitching, Warren is still. My bed is untouched, though a Bible and another copy of the Big Book have been placed on the nightstand next to it. I walk to the nightstand and pick up the Bible and the Big Book and I go to the window and I open the window and I throw the books into the darkness