A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [47]
Men begin filing in from their groups and heading to the Dining Hall for lunch. I follow them and I eat with Leonard. He asks me a lot of questions and I don’t answer any of them. He thinks it’s funny and I think it’s funny and at a certain point he gives up and he tells me stories about our fellow Patients. They are all the same. Had it all, got fucked up, lost it all. Trying to recover. The Great American Sob Story.
After lunch we go to the Lecture, which is about exercise and sobriety. I don’t listen to a single word of it, don’t care one fucking bit, and Leonard throws pennies at the Bald Man who is now my Roommate. He aims for his head and he gets excited when he hits the center of the bald spot on the top of the man’s skull. For some reason the man tolerates it.
The Lecture ends and we go back to the Unit and I attend my first Group Therapy Session. The topic is amends. The group is led by Ken and they discuss the necessity of making amends. Ken believes they are imperative, as do most of the men in the group. Making them allows one to start with a clean slate, to get rid of the guilt Addicts accrue with their actions, to shed the skin of their previous life. Whether they are accepted or not isn’t important. What is important is the act of apologizing, the act of admitting fault, the act of asking for forgiveness.
The men who don’t believe in amends are the worst of the group. They know that most of what they have done shouldn’t be forgiven and won’t be forgiven. They don’t want to make the effort of asking because the pain of rejection and the reminder of their actions will hurt too much. They want to move on and forget, even though forgetting is impossible. I am in their class. I know I won’t be forgiven and I’m not going to bother to ask. My amends will be my death. No one I have hurt will ever have to see me, hear from me, or think about me ever again. I won’t be able to damage them or fuck up their lives anymore, I won’t be able to cause them the pain I have caused previously. Forget me if you can. Forget I ever existed, forget I did whatever it was I did. My suicide will be my apology. Even though it is impossible, please forget me. Please forget.
After the group all of the men of the Unit gather in the Lower Level and there is a Graduation Ceremony. Roy and his friend are both leaving. They have done their time, worked their Programs and they are ready to rejoin the outside World. They both receive a Medal and a Rock. The Medal signifies their current term of sobriety, the Rock their resolve to stay sober. They both give small speeches. About half of the men despise them and think they’re full of shit, the other half admire them and wish them the best. I sit in the back of the Room with Leonard, who reads the USA Today sports page and swears under his breath.
The Ceremony ends and everybody claps and Roy walks around giving out hugs and good-byes. He avoids me, as does his friend. They both seem very happy and they both have the glazed eyes of the Converted. They clutch their Medals and their Rocks, have their friends sign the backs of their copies of the Big Book. They both look scared and they both look fragile. They both look as if they’re running from something and they both look as if they’re hiding from something. They both look as if they know they’re going to get caught. I give them a month before they’re both so fucked up that they can’t