A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [51]
He follows me.
Away from here.
What are you gonna do?
Get fucked up.
No way I’m letting that happen.
You think you’re gonna stop me?
Yeah.
I stop, turn around, grab him by the throat, squeeze his Adam’s apple. I don’t want him following me, don’t want him trying to stop me. I am in the darkest darkness. I am going Home.
Leave me alone, Old Man.
I let go, push him to the ground. He grabs his throat, gags. I start walking and the lights of the Clinic start to fade and the black begins to envelop me. I hear Leonard stand and start after me again and I clench my fists and prepare to use more persuasive means to stop him.
I can see the fist, Kid, and it’s gonna take a whole lot more than that to take me down.
I keep walking.
And even if you can take me down, I’ll have you found and brought back here.
He follows.
And I’ll keep doing it as many times as you leave and as many times as it takes to get your goddamn head on straight and make you start fixing yourself.
I keep walking.
You don’t know me and you don’t know who I am, but I have the resources and I’ll fucking use them. I’ll bring you back again and again and again.
I stop and I turn around. He’s a few feet behind me. He stops and he stares at me.
Again and again and again, Kid. I’ll keep doing it.
I told you to leave me alone.
Come back inside.
No.
Where you gonna go?
I’m gonna go get fucked up.
And then what?
I’ll see what happens.
You’ll end up dead.
Maybe.
When you’re dead, you’re dead.
I know.
There’s no coming back.
I know that.
That’s not what you want.
It’s my only option.
No, it’s not.
He steps forward.
One more step and I’ll drop you.
I’ll get back up.
No you won’t.
What are you scared of, Kid?
Fuck you.
He steps forward.
What are you scared of?
Take a step back, Old Man.
He stares at me, I stare at him. He steps back and he speaks.
I’m not scared of anyone and you scare the shit out of me. Ed and Ted won’t eat with me anymore ’cause they’re worried that you might snap on them, and all day all anybody talked about was how you stared Lincoln down and laughed in his face when he tried to get rough with you. As much as I admire it in a certain sense, it’s no good being the way you are. It’s no good at all.
I am what I am.
That’s not what’s inside of you.
Fuck you.
You can’t fool me.
Fuck you.
You can’t fool me.
FUCK YOU.
Fine, fuck me. Go find some booze and whatever else it is you do and get fucked up and go die in the gutter with piss on your pants and shit in your drawers. That’s a good way to go, Kid, an honorable way out. Be proud.
It’s my choice.
If you think you’re making that choice, you’re wrong. Your choices are made by the shit that controls you and by the shit you can’t quit. You walk out of here and that shit’s gonna kill you and that’s fucking wrong.
Maybe, maybe not.
Maybe not, my ass. How about walking back in and being a fucking man? How about walking back in and putting up a fucking fight? How about walking back in and doing what’s decent and right and honorable and showing a little pride, just a little bit of fucking pride?
Not possible.
Why?
It’s just not.
You’re strong enough to get your teeth drilled without drugs and you’re strong enough to scare the shit out of a bunch of hardened fuck-ups and you’re strong enough to do whatever the fuck you’ve had to do to end up like you are and you can’t walk back into that Clinic and try?
No.
Why?
I’ve tried before. I can’t do it.
Why?
It’s too hard.
Life is hard, Kid, you gotta be harder. You gotta take it on and fight for it and be a fucking man about how you live it. If you’re too much of a pussy to do that, then maybe you should leave, ’cause you’re dead already.
I stare at him and he stares back. Unlike most of the eyes that look upon me, there is no pity in his, no sadness, no sense that he’s looking at a lost cause. There is an anger and there is a hardness and there is a resolve. There is truth, and that is all that matters. The truth. I don’t know why he’s out here or why he’s doing this but I know by his eyes that he means what