A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [56]
I want you to get away from me.
I didn’t mean to upset you.
Get away.
I turn and I walk out of the Bathroom and I go to my part of the Room. John is awake and staring at me.
What happened?
I start getting dressed.
I was cutting my stitches out and the Bald Man walked in and saw the blood and thought I was trying to commit suicide and panicked.
John smiles.
I tried to commit suicide once.
That’s too bad.
It wasn’t bad, it was funny.
Suicide isn’t funny, John.
I was hanging myself while I masturbated and after I came I decided to just let myself hang. My Mom walked in and screamed.
That’s awful.
It wasn’t awful, it was funny.
It’s not funny, John.
I finish dressing and I leave John with his memories and the Bald Man with the toilet and Warren with the Bald Man and I go to the Supply Closet and I get a mop and a bucket and a bottle of cleaner and some paper towels and I make my way toward the Group Toilets. Although I don’t want to clean them, I am still here and while I’m here, I will live up to my responsibilities. I will show up at meals. I will eat. I will go to the Lectures. I will do my Job. I will attend whatever I am supposed to attend. I will not drink and I will not do drugs. I have fifteen hours left.
I open the door to the Group Toilets and I set the supplies down. There are a few stains on the bowls and some tissue on the floor, but beyond that, there is nothing. This will be quick and easy.
I start scrubbing the stains. They come off easily. I flush the dirty paper towels down the bowl. Towel meet pipe, towel meet sewer. They are friends of mine. They will destroy you, towel.
I clean the sinks and the sinks sparkle. I mop the floor and the floor shines with a thin layer of water and soap. I take out the garbage and I dump it into a larger can of garbage. There is a ton of fucking garbage here. There is more every day.
I walk back to the Toilets. I stare at them. They look clean to me, they are done. I am done. I grab the bucket and the towels and I put the supplies back in their places and I walk to the Dining Hall. I get in line and I get breakfast and I find an empty table and I sit down and I start eating. I have now been eating regularly for two weeks. Three meals a day, every day. I can feel my body reacting to the food in a positive way. I feel stronger. I have slightly more energy. I am gaining weight. I get hungry after a few hours. I haven’t been hungry for food in a long time. I have been hungry for other things, and I have fed that hunger mightily, but food was always an afterthought. Humans are said to seek only food, shelter and sex. Humans are said to have only these as their primary urges. I have lived in a state where I went without all, sought none. I do not know what that makes me.
I see Leonard walking toward me and I set down my fork and he’s smiling and he looks as if he didn’t expect to see me here and he waves at me. I give him the finger and as he sits down, he laughs at me.
Good to see you’re still here.
Got fourteen more hours.
You’re keeping track?
Part of me is.
Which part?
The part that’ll kick your ass if you try to stop me again.
It’ll take more than an ass-kicking for me not to stop you.
Why is that?
Because I can take an ass-kicking.
I mean why do you give a shit?
I just do.
Why.
That’s none of your concern right now.
You try to control me, try to tell me what I can and can’t do, I consider that my concern.
You’re looking at it the wrong way, Kid. I’m just trying to help you.
Why?
Leonard leans back in his chair.
Are we friends?
No.
He chuckles.
You want to hear a story that I might tell someone who was a friend?
If it’ll explain why you won’t leave me alone.
He chuckles again, stares at me for a moment, speaks.
I grew up in the Bronx, just off Arthur Avenue, which is a working-class Italian neighborhood. My Pop mowed lawns and polished shoes at a fancy Country Club in Westchester to pay our bills, and my Mom stayed home and took care of me. We didn’t have any dough, but we loved each other and we had a good life together. When