A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [69]
Is that all you’re angry about?
No.
What else?
Pretty much fucking everything.
She laughs.
Everything?
I smile.
Sounds stupid, but it’s true. I’m angry about pretty much everything.
How long have you felt that way?
Forever.
As a Child?
My first memories are of anger and pain.
That’s too bad.
It’s the way things are.
I think if we can work toward finding the source of your anger we’ll be a long ways toward solving a number of your issues. The only way to get to your anger is to control your addictions, and the only way, I truly believe, you’ll be able to control your addictions, is by working the Twelve Steps.
Not happening.
She takes a deep breath, leans back. I light another cigarette.
Do you know the success rate of this Hospital?
No.
It’s about seventeen percent. That’s of Patients who are sober for a year after they leave here.
That sucks.
That’s the best success rate of any Treatment Center in the World.
That really sucks.
I’ve worked in six, I’m an Alcoholic and an Addict myself, and the only thing I’ve ever seen that works is the Twelve Steps.
You don’t seem like an Alcoholic or an Addict.
Everyone that works here is, even the Janitors and the Dishwashers. That way if you need help, everywhere you turn there are people who can help you.
That’s comforting.
It’s supposed to be.
How long have you been sober?
Sixteen years.
Long time.
You can have that too, you just have to do what we tell you and trust us, even if you think it’s ridiculous.
If it involves the number Twelve, it’s not gonna happen.
It’s the only way, James. The only way.
I’m gonna be honest with you about something.
I would appreciate that.
I walked out of here two nights ago.
Where were you going?
I was gonna go find some shit and kill myself.
Why didn’t you?
You know Leonard?
I know of him.
Leonard stopped me.
That surprises me.
Why?
That’s a separate issue.
What?
We’ll talk about it some other time.
There might not be another time.
You’re serious?
Yeah.
Do you really want to die?
I know I can’t keep living the way I’ve been living and I know I won’t ever believe in the Twelve Steps. People like you keep saying it’s the only way, so I’m thinking that I might as well just put myself out of my misery now and save myself and my Family the pain of the future.
Do you really want to die?
I fucking hate myself. I’m sick of it.
Why are you still here ?
I promised Leonard I’d stay for twenty-four hours. Then my Brother and a couple of old friends showed up for visiting hours. I ended up having a good day, the best day I can really remember having for a long time, and when the twenty-four hours were up, I was too tired and too happy to think about killing myself.
You can have more days like that.
Not if I can’t stay sober.
You can stay sober.
Not if your way is the only way.
It is, and you can do it.
I shake my head.
Nope.
She leans back in her chair and she lights another cigarette and she stares at me. I stare back. She speaks.
You have two decisions to make, James. The first is whether you want to live, and I believe you do. I believe that deep inside of you, you realize what a horrible waste it would be to kill yourself. I believe that what you present to the World and what you are on the inside are two different things, and that you know that what you are on the inside is something that’s worth saving. The second decision is whether you’re willing to do what it takes, and what we tell you it takes, to get sober. You need to decide whether you’re going to stop being stubborn, and whether you’re willing to open your mind to something that you really don’t know anything about. Take your time and think. As we both know, you are a very intelligent young man. If you have any questions, come see me. If you decide the answer to your decisions is yes, come see me. If your answer is no, I’m sorry, and good luck to you.
She stares at me, I stare back.
I have a question.
What?
Why didn’t you guys throw me out of here after I attacked Roy?
She takes a drag.
Lincoln and Ken wanted to throw