A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [75]
What can I help you with?
I’ve been thinking about our conversation yesterday.
What have you been thinking?
I’m gonna stay here for a while. See what happens.
A while?
I’m not making any promises.
She smiles.
I think that’s a good start.
We’ll see.
They both smile. Joanne speaks.
What sparked this?
I don’t know.
Must have been something?
I don’t want to talk about it.
Why?
Because I don’t.
Because it makes you feel vulnerable.
Probably.
And you don’t like that, do you?
I shake my head.
No.
If you’re going to get better, you should get used to it.
You’re probably right.
Hank and I aren’t go to hurt you.
I know.
Try it. Be vulnerable.
I look at them, take a deep breath. I speak.
I saw a man cry yesterday. I’ve seen men cry before, but I usually think it’s because they’re weak or pathetic. The man who cried yesterday cried because he was strong and I admired his strength. I know people might think I’m strong or tough, but I’m really not. I’m a sheep in wolf’s clothing.
I take another breath.
So I was thinking about that and I was out walking around and I was trying to forget this place and I was trying to forget all the shit I’ve gotten myself into and I laid down in the grass and I felt calm, very calm, and I decided to stay for a while.
How’d it feel?
Just like I said. Calm.
You had what is called a Moment of Clarity.
That one of your AA terms?
Yes.
Then no, I didn’t have a Moment of Clarity. I just felt calm.
They both laugh. Joanne speaks.
That wasn’t so hard, was it?
Guess not.
That’s all you have to do and you’ll get better. Be honest, be vulnerable, talk about it.
I think it’s gonna be a bit more complicated than that.
A bit, but not really.
We’ll see.
There is a moment of silence. I stand.
I gotta go. I just thought I’d come by and tell you what I decided.
Joanne speaks.
We’re glad you did.
I move to the door.
I’ll see you soon.
They say good-bye and I walk out and back through the Halls to the Unit. I sit down on the floor with the rest of the men and I watch the end of a video. The video is about an athlete who had a drinking problem and quit drinking using the Twelve Steps and is now happy, well-adjusted and serene. As he speaks, he is sitting in his Office and there are pictures hanging behind him in his glory days as an athlete and everything is perfect and everything is inspirational. It’s a lot like an After-School Special and even though I’m going to try to keep an open mind while I’m here I think the thing is fucking stupid and I wonder if keeping an open mind at this place is the same thing as having an empty mind. Open mind, empty mind. This fucking stupid video isn’t going to convince me to do anything. No fucking way.
The video ends and everyone claps except for me. I boo and I get a bunch of dirty looks. The looks make me laugh and I get more dirty looks for laughing, which makes me laugh more. Someone I don’t know asks me what’s so funny and I tell him the video and he tells me to grow up and I tell him that I’m not gonna pretend that stupid shit is anything more than stupid shit and he walks away shaking his head. Open mind, empty mind. I wonder if they’re the same thing.
I go to lunch and I get a tray and some food and I eat with Ed and Ted and Matty and Leonard. Matty and Leonard do all the talking and the rest of us do the laughing. By the time we’re finished, our table is filled with men who have come over to hear Matty and Leonard.
After lunch there is a Lecture, but I don’t pay any attention to it.
After the Lecture Ken asks if he can see me in his Office. I follow him through the Halls and when we get to his Office, I sit down in a chair across from him.
It’s been awhile.
Yeah.
Have you thought about what we talked about last time you were here?
I don’t remember what that was.
Are you ready to do anything and everything it takes to get sober and stay sober?
Yeah, I thought about it.
Do you have an answer?
No.
Do you have an answer?
No.
Do you have an answer?
Staring at me and asking