A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [77]
I take one of his hands, hold it, don’t know what to say. He cries cries cries, sobbing, tears running down his face, his chest up and down, heavily up and down. I let go of his hand and I put my arms around him and I hug him and he cries and there is nothing I can say.
He stops crying and he settles and I let go of him and he wipes his face.
I’m sorry.
Don’t be sorry, John. There’s nothing wrong with crying.
I cry a lot.
I know. I admire that about you.
You do?
Yeah, I do. I think men who can cry are strong men.
You think I’m strong?
I think you’re stronger than you know.
Thanks, James.
He wipes his face again.
I’m gonna miss it here.
We’ll miss you.
Really?
Yeah.
You’re not lying?
No, I’m not lying.
He looks at me, reaches into one of his bags, and he pulls out a pen and a card.
Will you do something for me, James?
Of course.
He starts writing on the card.
When you get out of here, will you call my Daughter?
Not this again, John.
No, not that.
He holds out the card.
Will you call her and tell her that I tried real hard this time, as hard as I could, and that I wish I was more to her, and that I’m not as bad a man as everyone tells her I am.
I take the card, look at John.
I’d be honored, John.
And if you’re ever in the same place as her, maybe you could take her out to dinner or something, and—
He pauses, starts to cry, holds it back.
And just be nice to her, and—
He can’t hold it. He starts to cry. Like a fragile little Boy.
And tell her I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
I reach out and I hug him and I hold him and I let him cry cry cry and he pushes me away, and he asks me to leave him alone and as I walk out of the Room I look toward him and his head is buried in his pillow and I can hear him sobbing and wailing and saying the word.
No.
No.
No.
I leave him to himself and to his future and as I walk into the Unit I make sure the card is deep and safe in my pocket. I will make that call when I leave here. I will make that call and I will tell that Girl that her Father was a good man. She may not believe me, and there may not be anything to say that would change her mind, but I will tell her.
The Unit is crowded and the men are waiting for John and Warren and for their Graduation Ceremony. I don’t want to see it or participate in it and I have said my good-byes to them, so I start walking. Same as yesterday, I just want to forget.
There is no forgetting today. I know that as soon as I enter the Wood. The Fury takes over. It envelops every emotion every feeling every thought that I have. I can’t deal with emotions feelings thoughts so I let the Fury deal with them. It consumes them. The sadness I feel turns to rage, the calm to a desperate need. I want to destroy everything I see. That which I can’t destroy, I want to ingest. With each step that I take, it grows. Rage and need. Rage and need. Rage. Need.
I want a drink. I want fifty drinks. I want a bottle of the purest, strongest, most destructive, most poisonous alcohol on Earth. I want fifty bottles of it. I want crack, dirty and yellow and filled with formaldehyde. I want a pile of powder meth, five hundred hits of acid, a garbage bag filled with mushrooms, a tube of glue bigger than a truck, a pool of gas large enough to drown in. I want something anything whatever however as much as I can. Want need want need I want need enough to kill annihilate make me lose make me forget dull the motherfucking pain give me the darkest darkness the blackest blackness the deepest deepest deepest most horrible fucking hole. Goddamn it to fucking Hell, give it to me. Put me in the fucking hole.
I leave the Trail, force my way through heavy, frozen wood. I am shaking and my heart is racing and I am clenching my fists and I am clenching my jaw. My feet are snapping twigs and crushing infant sapling trees, my arms are removing whatever stands in front of me. The sharp sounds of destruction, a snap crack snap crack, incense me, enrage me, make me want to break more, destroy more, ruin everything. I want to ruin everything everywhere.