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By Root 1037 0

ahead thinking about four o’clock until I am joined by Leonard and Ed and Ted and Matty and Miles. They are laughing and in jovial moods, talking about Bobby and reliving the games they played with him. They tell me that after I left, Ted told him that I was a Yoga Instructor from San Francisco with an addiction to a rare Indian drug called shampoo, pronounced just like the hair product, but spelled champuu. Bobby’s reaction was to say that he’s beaten down a Yoga Instructor before, and that he wouldn’t hesitate to do it again.

The Lecture starts and it is about the Fifth Step of the almighty Twelve. It is being given by a Catholic Priest. I don’t listen to a word of it. I sit and I stare across the Lecture Hall. I sit and I stare at Lilly.

The Lecture ends. I stand and I follow the rest of the Patients out, enveloped in the flood toward the doors, enveloped in the flood of my memories. As I step out and into the Hall, Ken is standing waiting for me, waiting as he always waits, it seems as if he’s always standing there waiting for me.

James?

What’s up, Ken?

Checking to see if you’ve completed the First Step workbook.

I have not.

Have you looked at it?

Not since you gave it to me.

I’d like you to spend the morning working on it.

Okay.

Take your time, but if you finish, bring it by my Office. If I’m not there, just leave it on my desk.

Will do.

Any progress on the Goal Board?

No.

Put a little thought into that as well.

Okay.

I’ll see you later?

Looking forward to it.

Ken chuckles and he walks away. I turn in the opposite direction and I walk to the Unit. I go to the Lower Level and I get a box of Crayolas and I check for Razzle Dazzle Rose. It’s there as are sixty-three other beautiful crayons. As I start back up the stairs, I see the Goal Board hanging on a wall in the Upper Level. I walk over to it and I stand in front of it and I stare at it. It is a large piece of laminated posterboard divided into boxes using vertical and horizontal lines. In each of the boxes is a name, written in erasable marker, and next to the name is a goal. Some of the goals are simple, things such as Find a Job and Keep It, Stay Sober for Sixty Days, Be a Functioning Part of Society. Some of the goals are sad, things like Get My Wife to Talk to Me, Regain the Respect of My Children, Stay Out of Jail for Six Months. Most of the goals are things like Improve My Relationship with My Friend and Savior the Lord Jesus Christ, Work the Program Right and Live the Steps in Every Moment, Get Myself in Shape: Be Buff in Mind, Be Buff in Spirit, Be Buff in Body. The goal next to Matty’s name reads Stop Fucking Swearing, which makes me laugh. The goal next to Leonard’s name reads Hold On, which makes me smile. The goal next to Miles’s name reads Live, which makes the most sense. The space next to my name remains empty.

In the face of surviving long enough to survive in the long term, there is no goal that comes to mind that means anything to me. I could write Survive, but I would rather hold that word in my heart than write it on some fucking board. When I was laughing earlier, laughing about being a Yoga Instructor and being addicted to champuu, the laughing felt good. When I have laughed at all here, which has been too infrequent an occasion, it has always felt good. I could write Laugh on the board, but I would rather write something that makes me laugh every time I see it, so I pick up a marker and next to my name I write I’m Going to LA to Make All of My Dreams Come True. I’m Going to Be a Laker Girl. When I am finished I laugh. When I step back and I read my words again, I laugh. As I walk from the Upper Level and I enter the Hall which leads to my Room, I laugh. Laughing feels good. I haven’t laughed enough and I want to laugh more. I’m Going to LA to Become a Motherfucking Laker Girl.

I walk into my Room and I sit down on my bed and I open the box of Crayolas and I open the workbook and I pull the Razzle Dazzle Rose from the box and I start reading. The first part of the book tells the story of Joe. Joe is a drunk who loses his