A Reason to Believe_ Lessons From an Improbable Life - Deval Patrick [33]
Diane found her affirmation and self-worth by teaching kindergarten and third grade in the New York City public schools. Because she was the junior teacher, she got the toughest classrooms, where the kids had little support at home. She poured herself into her job, but her position was eliminated during New York City’s fiscal crisis in the late 1970s, and that layoff still left a painful expression on her face. She also occasionally worked summers at an advertising agency, in human resources. There, she met Bill Whiting, an advertising rep for a magazine. Fifteen years older than Diane, he was a real charmer, taking her to elegant lunches and dinners, flattering her, and paying her a kind of attention that was new to her. He validated her beauty and desirability in ways that no one else had before. Diane was both thrilled and enchanted. Before too long, and over the muted disapproval of her parents, she agreed to marry him.
Newly married and with her job in New York gone, Diane and Bill decided to move to Los Angeles and make a new start. It was a brave move for Diane, going so far from her extended family and friends, though she felt ready to leave the nest and was encouraged by her husband to do so. She enrolled in Loyola Law School, where she blossomed. Focusing on labor and employment law, she realized—perhaps for the first time—how much she was capable of. She excelled at law school, won awards, and, upon graduating, landed a position at one of the city’s most prestigious law firms.
Just as she was discovering her talents as a lawyer, Diane was also discovering that Bill was a fraud. Many of the things he had told her turned out to be false. His college degree did not exist. His nest egg was empty. He had said he was close to his two children from previous relationships, but it turned out that he was estranged from them both.
With a lot of coaxing, Diane described to me, sometimes in a barely audible voice, how he became increasingly argumentative, disparaging, demanding, and verbally hostile. He humiliated her publicly, belittled her in front of friends, and slowly destroyed her self-confidence. Despite her academic and professional accomplishments, Diane was unwilling to assert herself at home. She had learned, growing up with her own parents, that women were supposed to be supportive, passive.
Bullied relentlessly and with no instinct to fight back, Diane became a victim to her deepest fears about her own worth. Here was this poised, downtown lawyer on the rise in professional circles, admired and relied on by the senior partners, who was barely holding it together under the surface. People are so much more than they seem, I thought. The shame she felt poured out with each new layer of her story. So did the fear. And with good reason.
One night, she told me, she came home late from the office with work still to do. Bill was waiting for her to make his dinner. She said she had to prepare for an arbitration hearing the following day, so he would have to fix his own dinner. She sat down at the kitchen table and began her work when he took out a gun and pointed it at her. She had not even known he owned a gun.
“You’re going to cook me dinner,” he said threateningly.
Unnerved, Diane cooked him pasta while he drank heavily. Once he had eaten and passed out, she took the gun, wrapped it in a towel, and dropped it off at a friend’s house. When Bill awoke the next morning, he flew into a rage, pushed Diane up against a wall, and grabbed her around the neck. A month or so later, he got another gun. He became increasingly abusive, physically and psychologically. He pointed his loaded gun at her again and sexually assaulted her.
Diane soon left Bill, but not for long. She had come from a family and custom where marriage was sacred and divorce carried shame. Walking away wasn’t easy, but staying away was even harder. After Bill apologized and promised to change his ways, Diane returned.