A Spy by Nature - Charles Cumming [43]
‘Who’s that?’ he asks as a middle-aged woman in pink emerges on to the stage, mugging to camera.
‘No idea.’
She starts telling a story. Saul leans back.
‘Christ. Is there anything more tedious than listening to people telling anecdotes on This Is Your Life?’
I do not respond. There is a constant, nagging disquiet inside me which I cannot shake off.
‘What’ve you been up to?’ he asks me. ‘Day off as well?’
‘Yeah. I’ve had a lot happening.’
‘Right.’
He twists towards me on the sofa.
‘Everything all right?’
‘Yeah.’
‘You look knackered.’
‘I am.’
There shouldn’t be any need to, but I try to convey a greater sense of melancholy than may be visible, just in case Saul hasn’t detected it.
‘Alec, what is it?’
He switches the television off with the remote control. The image sucks into itself until it forms a tiny white blob which snuffs out.
‘Bad news.’
‘What? Tell me.’
‘I’ve done a stupid thing. I handed in my notice to Nik.’
‘That isn’t stupid. It’s about time.’
This irritates me. He always thought I was wasting away at CEBDO. Fiddling while Rome burns.
‘I did it for the wrong reason. I did it because I was sure I was set at the Foreign Office.’
‘That job you were applying for?’
‘Yes.’
‘And you didn’t get it?’
‘No. I found out today.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘You didn’t tell anyone else I was applying for it, did you?’
‘No. Course not. You told me not to.’
I believe him.
‘Thanks.’
‘So what happened?’ he asks. ‘Did you fuck up the exams?’
‘Yeah. Toughest thing I’ve ever done.’
‘You shouldn’t be disappointed. I’ve heard they’re like that. Hardly anyone gets through.’
‘It’s more shame than disappointment. It’s as if my worst fears about myself have been confirmed. I thought I was clever enough to make a career out of it. It really seemed to make sense. I spent so long thinking I was good enough to do top-level work, but now it turns out I was just deluding myself.’
I don’t like admitting failure to Saul. It doesn’t feel right. But there’s an opportunity here to talk through a few things, in confidence, which I want to take advantage of.
‘Well, I never knew why you wanted to join in the first place,’ he says.
I drain the vodka.
‘Because I was flattered to be asked.’
‘To be asked? You never said anything about being asked. You didn’t say anything about anyone approaching you.’
Careful.
‘Didn’t I? No. Well I met someone at a dinner party at Mum’s. He’d just retired from the Diplomatic Service. Put me on to it. Gave me a phone number.’
‘Oh.’
Saul offers me a cigarette, lights one of his own.
‘What was his name?’
‘George Parker.’
‘And why did you want to join?’
‘Because it was exciting. Because I wanted to do it for Dad. Because it beat ripping Czechs off for a living. I don’t know. What’s the most exciting thing that happens nowadays? John Major beats John Redwood in a contest for the leadership of the Conservative Party. Big fucking deal. But this meant so much to me. I’ll never get a chance like that again. To be on the top table.’
The conversation dies now for a second or two. I don’t think Saul is really in the mood for it: I’ve come around uninvited on his day off.
‘Listen,’ he says. ‘I think you’re lucky not to have got in.’
This is exactly the wrong thing to say.
‘Why? Why am I in any way lucky? This was my big chance to get ahead, to start a career.’
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t think -‘
‘It’s been every day for four months.’
‘I had no idea -‘
‘You’re not the only one who’s ambitious, you know. I have ambitions.’
‘I didn’t say you didn’t.’
He is being defensive now, a little patronizing. My shouting has unnerved him.
‘I wanted to work abroad, to have some excitement. I wanted to stop pissing away my youth.’
‘So what’s stopping you? Go out and get a different job. The Foreign Office isn’t the only organization that offers positions overseas.’
‘What’s the point? What’s the point in a corporate job when you can get downsized