A Spy by Nature - Charles Cumming [8]
He says this in a tone which suggests that it bothers him a great deal.
‘I’m not interested in acclaim.’
A seriousness has enveloped me, nudging panic aside. An idea of the job is slowly composing itself in my imagination, something that is at once very straightforward, but ultimately obscure. Something clandestine and yet moral and necessary.
Lucas ponders the clipboard in his lap.
‘You must have some questions you want to ask me,’ he says.
‘Yes,’ I tell him. ‘Would members of my family be allowed to know that I am an SIS officer?’
Lucas appears to have a check-list of questions on his clipboard, all of which he expects me to ask. That was obviously one of them, because he again marks the page in front of him with his snub-nosed fountain pen.
‘Obviously, the fewer people that know the better. That usually means wives.’
‘Children?’
‘No.’
‘But obviously not friends or other relatives?’
‘Absolutely not. If you are successful after Sisby, and the panel decides to recommend you for employment, then we would have a conversation with your mother to let her know the situation.’
‘What is Sisby?’
‘The Civil Service Selection Board. Sisby as we call it. If you are successful at this first interview stage, you will go on to do Sisby in due course. This involves two intensive days of intelligence tests, interviews and written papers at a location in Whitehall, allowing us to establish if you are of a high enough intellectual standard for recruitment to SIS.’
The door opens without a knock and the same woman who brought in my tea (now cold and untouched on the table) walks in. She smiles apologetically in my direction, with a flushed, nervous glance at Lucas. He looks visibly annoyed.
‘I do apologize, sir.’ She is frightened of him. ‘This just came through for you and I felt you should see it right away.’
She hands him a single sheet of fax paper. Lucas looks over at me quickly and proceeds to read it.
‘Thank you,’ he whispers and the woman leaves. Then he turns to me. ‘I have a suggestion. If you have no further questions I think we should finish here. Will that be all right?’
‘Of course.’
There was something on the fax that necessitated this.
‘You will obviously have to think things over. There are a lot of issues to consider when deciding to become an SIS officer. So let’s end this discussion now. I will be in touch with you by post in the next few days. We will let you know at that stage if we want to proceed with your application.’
‘And if you do?’
‘Then you will be invited back here for a second interview with one of my colleagues.’
As he stands up to leave Lucas folds the piece of paper in two and slips it into the inside pocket of his jacket. Leaving the recruitment file on the table, he gestures with an extended right arm towards the door which has been left ajar by the secretary. I walk out ahead of him and immediately begin to feel all the stiffness of formality falling away from me. It is a relief to leave the room.
The girl in the neat red suit is standing outside waiting, somehow prettier than she was at two o’clock. She looks at me, gauges my mood, and then sends out a warm broad smile that is full of friendship and understanding. She knows what I’ve just been through. I feel like asking her out for dinner.
‘Ruth, will you show Mr Milius to the door? I have some business to attend to.’
Lucas has barely emerged from his office: he is lingering in the doorway behind me, itching to get back inside.
‘Of course,’ she says.
So our separation is abrupt. A last glance into each other’s eyes, a grappled shake of the hand, a reiteration that he will be in touch. And then Lucas vanishes back into his office, firmly closing the door.
3
Tuesday, 4 July
At dawn, five days later, my first waking thought is of Kate, as though someone trips a switch behind my closed eyes and she blinks into the morning. It has been like this, on and off now, for four months. Sometimes, still caught in a half-dream, I will reach for her as though she were actually beside me in bed. I try to smell her,