A Stolen Life_ A Memoir - Jaycee Dugard [35]
I don’t know how I know I’m pregnant again, but I know I am. My body has this full feeling. The last time he made me have sex with him, he didn’t pull out in time and the semen went in. He said this time would be the last time ever. I don’t know if I can believe him because he has said that many times before. He says he’s been working on his problem and that I won’t have to suffer anymore. I don’t know what has made him say he is going to stop. I know it is something I have always wanted him to do. I hate it. Each and every time. There is no enjoyment for me, even though he says one day I will enjoy it. I wonder how he will feel about another baby. I know he loves A and swears to God that he would never harm her in any way. He said he was holding her in his arms in the studio one day and he prayed to God and cried out, “God, please don’t ever let me hurt this little girl.” He said God cured him of his sexual problem and that’s why he says he will never touch me again. I want to believe him, but it’s hard to believe that he will never touch me again. Sometimes I dream about running away, but I have nowhere to go. And now I will have another baby.
I can hear the van. The van that Phillip drives has a very loud motor and although I have never seen it, I can hear when he leaves and comes home again. It reminds me of the commercial on TV about the Dodge vans having “Hemi” engines. Hemi engines are very loud. I can hear the van when it comes or goes. At times I feel anxious when I hear the van leave. Mixed feelings make my pulse accelerate. I like it when he is gone, but I worry about being alone. I know he will always return. I don’t know how I feel about that either. I do not want to be alone, but when he is gone, there is no sex to worry about. I have not left this place since the “trailer home” drive.
When he comes in with fish and chips from Jack in the Box, I smile and say thank you. He says he has a surprise and says I am going to go to the studio so that he and Nancy can put it together. I tell him that I have been feeling sick and that I think I am pregnant again, and he says he knows and that he will take care of everything. He says he’s really happy and that he knows it’s going to be another girl because God knows that’s what he needs. I am seventeen years old and about to have my second baby.
I go to the studio and play with the baby for a while, and when they come back hours later, I follow them back into my room and to my surprise see a big red bunk bed. It is humongous. The bottom bunk is a full size and the top is a twin. The bottom sticks out about two feet from the top bunk, so there is room for me to sit without bumping my head. There’s a ladder that leads up to the top bunk, and A wants to climb it. Phillip helps her up and she is excited to be up so high. They ask if I like the color and I say yes, I do, even though I don’t really like red. I would have preferred blue or black or even silver. But they both thought that I’d really like the red color. The room looks even smaller now. I think about how there is not much room for A to play anymore; but, oh well, it is a nice bed. I’m also a little bummed because now I can’t rearrange the room too much anymore; that was one of my most favorite things to do to make the room look different from time to time ’cause everything is so much the same.
Phillip has been working outside on the fence every day and it is