A Test of Wills - Charles Todd [2]
Rutledge left the outskirts of London behind and headed northwest. It was a dreary morning, rain sweeping in gusts across the windscreen from a morbidly gray sky draped like a dirty curtain from horizon to horizon, the tires throwing up rivers of water on either side of the car like black wings.
Hellish weather for June.
I should have taken the train, he thought as he settled down to a steady pace. But he knew he couldn’t face the train yet. It was one thing to be shut up in a motorcar that you could stop at will and another to be enclosed in a train over which you had no control at all. Jammed in with a half dozen other people. The doors closed for hours on end, the compartment airless and overheated. The press of bodies crowding him, driving him to the brink of panic, voices dinning in his ears, the roar of the wheels like the sound of his own blood pounding through his heart. Just thinking about it sent a wave of terror through him.
Claustrophobia, the doctors had called it, a natural fear in a man who’d been buried alive in a frontline trench, suffocated by the clinging, slippery, unspeakable mud and the stinking corpses pinning him there.
Too soon, his sister Frances had said. It was much too soon to go back to work! But he knew that if he didn’t, he’d lose what was left of his mind. Distraction was what he needed. And this murder in Warwickshire appeared to offer just that. He’d need his wits about him, he’d have to concentrate to recover the long forgotten skills he’d had to put behind him in 1914—and that would keep Hamish at bay.
“You’re to turn right here.”
The voice in his head was as clear as the patter of rain on the car’s roof, a deep voice, with soft Scottish inflections. He was used to hearing it now. The doctors had told him that would happen, that it was not uncommon for the mind to accept something which it had created itself in order to conceal what it couldn’t face any other way. Shell shock was an odd thing, it made its own rules, they’d said. Understand that and you could manage to keep your grip on reality. Fight it, and it would tear you apart. But he had fought it for a very long time—and they were right, it had nearly destroyed him.
He made the turn, glancing at the signs. Yes. The road to Banbury.
And Hamish, strangely enough, was a safer companion than Jean, who haunted him in another way. In God’s blessed name, how did you uproot love? How did you tear it out of your flesh and bone?
He’d learned, in France, to face dying. He could learn, in time, how to face living. It was just getting through the desolation in between that seemed to be beyond him. Frances had shrugged her slim shoulders and said, “Darling, there are other women, in a year you’ll wonder why you cared so much for one. Let go gracefully—after all, it isn’t as if she’s fallen in love with another man!”
He swerved to miss a dray pulling out into the road without warning from a muddy lane running between long, wet fields.
“Keep your mind on the driving, man, or we’ll both be dead!”
“Sometimes I believe we’d both be better off,” he answered aloud, not wanting to think about Jean, not able to think about anything else. Everywhere he turned, something brought her back to him, ten thousand memories waiting like enemies to ambush him. The car…the rain…She’d liked driving in the rain, the glass clouded with their warm breath, their laughter mingling with the swish of the tires, the car a private, intimate world of their own.
“Ah, but that’s the coward’s road, death is! You willna’ escape so easily as that. You’ve got a conscience, man. It won’t let you run out. And neither will I.”
Rutledge laughed harshly. “The day may come when you have no choice.” He kept his eyes pinned to the road, as always refusing