A Thousand Acres_ A Novel - Jane Smiley [42]
In the long silence after this, Linda and the boys got out of the pool and headed for us. By the rope, Pammy was at last talking to Doreen Patrick. As I watched, Doreen smiled at something Pammy said, and Pammy smiled, too, with good humor but also with relief. Her fears were not being realized, and she appreciated that. When Linda reached us, before Mary could say anything, I handed her a couple of dollars and said, “They have Popsicles at the snack bar. Would you boys like a Popsicle? Take them for Popsicles, sweetie, and then we’ll talk about what’s next. And don’t forget, you have to stay in the snack area with food.”
When they were out of earshot, Mary went on, “She knew what your father was like, even though I think she loved him.” Her gaze traveled over my face. After a moment, she went on, “For one thing, she wanted you to have more choices. I know she wanted you to go to college. She never wanted you to marry so young, before seeing some other places and trying some other things. She used to say, ‘The Twin Cities aren’t such a big deal. The Twin Cities aren’t the New Jerusalem!’ Then she would throw her head back and laugh. She had a great laugh when she let it out.” Mary looked at me then, and I’m sure she could see the tears standing in my eyes. She said, “Lord, Ginny, I shouldn’t have brought this up, but I did promise to be a friend to you, and to try and give you some of the things your mom wanted you to have, but then Jimmy had his accident, and I could hardly move myself, I was so, uh, so, well, it almost killed me. So I let it go. I have to say that before I leave here, even though it must hurt you. I’ve just thought about it every day for years and years.”
I said, “It’s okay, Mary. I was just wondering what facts there were that I haven’t faced. Anyway, I don’t know that I would have had a different life if Mom had lived. Daddy didn’t make me marry Ty. I wanted to. And he’s very nice.”
“Well, his father was a nice man, though I never knew Ty at all. There was another thing, too—” She eyed me. I said, “What was that?” Our gazes locked. Finally, she said, “Oh, I don’t know. Nothing really.”
I found myself a touch disconcerted, so I said, “Rose went to college. She had the choices Mom wanted, and she chose the farm. Caroline chose the city, and she’s been everywhere now, New York, Washington. So, in a way, Mom really got what she wanted.”
Mary smiled. “Maybe so, dear. She was most worried about you. She used to say, ‘Ginny won’t stand up to him,’ but if you’re happy, then it’s all worked out. I’ll say one thing, and that is that you’re a good girl, and unselfish, and you will be rewarded. I believe that.”
“Thanks, Mary.” I picked up Pammy’s towel and scrubbed my face with it. Linda returned with the boys, both of them streaked with red Popsicle drippings. Mary heaved to her feet, saying, “Come on, you two. You need to be dipped in the pool.” Then she smiled at Linda, a genuine approving smile, and said, “You’re a sweet child, Linda. You tell your mom that Mary said so.” She walked away.
“Toby’s cute,” said Linda, almost regretfully.
I said, “You were nice to watch them.”
“It was okay. I wish Mom would let me baby-sit, but nobody nearby has any babies, and she said if she had to drive me, she would charge me mileage.”
“That sounds like a joke to me.”
She rolled her eyes. “Maybe. You can’t really tell with Mom. Anyway, she thinks I’m too young.”
I realized that I was almost panting, and I consciously steadied my breath. Linda scanned the pool, then went back to her Teen magazine. I said, “I’m going for a dip.” She nodded without looking up.
The water was chilly and refreshing, and I felt the pressure of my mother and her fears for me like a ballooning, impinging presence. My mother died before I knew her, before I liked her, before I was old enough for her to be herself with me. As a mother, her manner was matter-of-fact and brisk. I used to watch her feeding Caroline and changing her diapers, lifting her out of messes and trouble.