A tree grows in Brooklyn - Betty Smith [201]
“I know that’s what people say—you’ll get over it. I’d say it, too. But I know it’s not true. Oh, you’ll be happy again, never fear. But you won’t forget. Every time you fall in love it will be because something in the man reminds you of him.”
“Mother….”
Mother! Katie remembered. She had called her own mother “Mama” until the day she had told her that she was going to marry Johnny. She had said, “Mother, I’m going to marry…” She had never said “Mama” after that. She had finished growing up when she stopped calling her mother “Mama.” Now Francie…
“Mother, he asked me to be with him for the night. Should I have gone?”
Katie’s mind darted around looking for words.
“Don’t make up a lie, Mother. Tell me the truth.”
Katie couldn’t find the right words.
“I promise you that I’ll never go with a man without being married first—if I ever marry. And if I feel that I must—without being married, I’ll tell you first. That’s a solemn promise. So you can tell me the truth without worrying that I’ll go wrong if I know it.”
“There are two truths,” said Katie finally. “As a mother, I say it would have been a terrible thing for a girl to sleep with a stranger—a man she had known less than forty-eight hours. Horrible things might have happened to you. Your whole life might have been ruined. As your mother, I tell you the truth.
“But as a woman…” she hesitated. “I will tell you the truth as a woman. It would have been a very beautiful thing. Because there is only once that you love that way.”
Francie thought, “I should have gone with him then. I’ll never love anyone as much again. I wanted to go and I didn’t go and now I don’t want him that way anymore because she owns him now. But I wanted to and I didn’t and now it’s too late.” She put her head down on the table and wept.
After a while, Katie said, “I got a letter, too.”
Her letter had come several days ago but she had been waiting for the right time to mention it. She decided that this was a good time.
“I got a letter,” she repeated.
“Who…who wrote?” sobbed Francie.
“Mr. McShane.”
Francie sobbed louder.
“Aren’t you interested?”
Francie tried to stop crying. “All right. What does he say?” she asked listlessly.
“Nothing. Except he’s coming to see us next week.” She waited. Francie showed no further sign of interest. “How would you like Mr. McShane for a father?”
Francie’s head jerked up. “Mother! A man writes that he’s coming to the house. Right away you think things. What makes you think you know everything all the time?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything, really. I just feel. And when the feeling is strong enough, then I just say I know. But I don’t. Well, how would you like him as a father?”
“After the botch I’ve made of my own life,” said Francie bitterly (and Katie didn’t smile), “I’m the last person to hand out advice.”
“I’m not asking for your advice. Only I’d know better what to do if I knew how my children felt about him.”
Francie suspected that her mother’s talking about McShane was a trick to divert her thoughts and she was angry because the trick had almost worked.
“I don’t know, Mother. I don’t know anything. And I don’t want to talk about anything any more. Please go away. Please go away and let me alone.”
Katie went back to bed.
Well, a person can cry only so long. Then he has to do something else with his time. It was five o’clock. Francie decided it was no use going to bed; she’d have to get up again at seven. She discovered that she was very hungry. She had had nothing to eat since noon the day before, except a sandwich between the day and night shift. She made a pot of fresh coffee, some toast, and scrambled a couple of eggs. She was astonished at how good everything tasted. But while she was eating, her eyes went to the letter and the tears came again. She put the letter in the sink and set a match to it. Then she turned on the faucet and watched the black ashes go down the drain. She resumed her breakfast.
Afterwards she got her box of writing paper from the cupboard and sat down to write a letter. She wrote:
Dear Ben: you said I was to