About Schmidt - Louis Begley [56]
And you didn’t want to make her a poisoned gift.
That lilt again. I nodded my throbbing head.
And Jon? How does he fit into your view of the future?
As my daughter’s husband and potentially the father of her children—my grandchildren. I hope a good husband and a good father. A man is not required to love his son-in-law.
But it’s a great happiness when you do! We love Charlotte!
It’s clear that you and Myron are particularly kind. That’s your reward.
All of a sudden, she leaned down over me, and kissed me on the lips, passing her tongue briefly along my front teeth, which, unprepared for this favor, I had kept in their normal closed position. Then she sat up, took both my hands, and said, You wanted to kiss me and now you have!
Thank you, but I am hot and cold and disgusting. There will have to be a return engagement. (In fact, against my better judgment, against common sense, I would have liked to continue, but was cautious enough to know I should leave each move up to her.)
That may be too complicated and too dangerous! You did love your wife, didn’t you.
Very much.
But it’s not true that you were very faithful.
Again that lilt. I said, You didn’t really expect me to tell you all my sins the first day we met!
I think you were unfaithful to her every time you got a chance. How did you feel about that? Is that being a good husband?
Not every time, far from it, only when I felt an irresistible urge and the circumstances were right. You do realize you are extracting a confession from a sick and enfeebled man, don’t you?
Of course. So how did it feel?
Like a breach of a contract. One promises to love, to live together loyally, and to forsake all others. But I thought my breaches were minor. She didn’t know, I didn’t love her any less because of them, and I was discreet. No one could start being sorry for Mary. What about you? What about Myron? Are you always faithful to each other?
She laughed. If she isn’t repelled by my condition or afraid of catching my flu, why doesn’t she kiss me again? I was glad that she had taken my hand back into her good graces.
Myron is a mystery. I don’t think he has much temperament. He would tell me if he had someone. It would be the end of his being the injured party, but life would be simpler. I’ve had a lover for many years.
Really?
I was genuinely astonished.
He was a patient, but it only happened when the therapy was over. She laughed. The therapy was very successful—until recently. He is seeing another analyst. A man.
And Myron knows? And your sons?
Of course. By now, Charlotte, too, I imagine.
You still sleep with Myron?
When he wants to.
Suddenly she fell on me. It was like an attack. Her hands raced down my body. Just as abruptly, she pulled away. There was a silence. I was waiting for her.
You are lovely, Schmidtie, she told me. This won’t happen again. We will go back to being proper and good, like the father of the bride and the mother of the groom.
I only did it, she added, because of an intuition. It’s as though you were somehow doomed, disintegrating before my eyes.
That’s unpleasant, I said. Will you watch over me, will you help? Then I told her about the man. After all, I might get to be just like him. We are alike, except that I am thin and very clean.
She took a moment before replying, No, that’s not quite it. I will watch, if I am there. I don’t know that there is any way I can help.
And what, I called as she was leaving the room, what if your psychiatric sixth sense and your damned intuition are wrong and I keep going, just as I am?
Why, I suppose that will mean we will all live happily ever after!
Thursday, 12/12/91
Just before they all left for the city, Charlotte came to see me. I was still in bed, feeling less definably sick but very tired, unable to stay awake for more than an hour at a time. She said she wished she could stay to look after me, but urgent work at the office, etc., wouldn’t allow it. Then she told me the Rikers had been very generous. They were going to