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By Root 866 0

but the message for a new hand lotion on the plastic wrapping does (13), as does the sample of the lotion itself that’s inside (14). It’s a Friday paper. Pretty big. Lots of sections. Usually I read it at the gym while pretending to do cardio on a stationary bike. But today I don’t go to the gym. Today I am physically lazy. So today I read it on the run. Sports and Business at the counter while talking to my wife in the other room, who is checking the weather and getting ready to do a televised workout. I poke my head in for Local on the 8’s trademark (15) and decide that the Weather Channel logo or bug that’s ghosted over the lower-right corner of the screen is a message, too (16). I read the Arts and Travel sections while my three-year-old watches Curious George in the other room on PBS. Yes, it’s PBS, but they’ve got sponsors, too, and I can’t stop myself from hearing about them.

Not counting “viewers like you” and the Helena Rubinstein Foundation, I count two (18).

Upon Further Review

I try to finish the Times’s front section and the Op-Eds in a quiet, tiled place where, in theory, dogs and children are forbidden. My first instinct is to say that I did not look at one single ad (other than the outside wrapper and the free sample inside) from that paper this morning. I am certain that not one ad registered in the least, because I know myself and I know what I look for in a paper. The agate page in the Sports section. The Op-Eds. The book review is almost always on the front page or the back inside page of the Arts section. The ad column is usually near the back of the Business section. I don’t wander or linger. So unless a headline grabs me, I get what I need and move on, and I never read the ads. Magazines are another story. I’ll look at magazine ads. Maybe it’s the glossy stock, the superior production quality, or the fact that because of the lead time associated with magazines (some ads have to be placed months in advance), they’re not as obnoxiously retail in nature as newspaper ads.

Yet out of curiosity I decided to take a look at the paper I had just “read” to see if any of the ads rang a bell. Upon further review, I did notice a few. Okay, more than a few. I noticed all kinds of ads. Here’s a sampling of the branded messages I vaguely recall skimming over and a sampling of the thoughts that occurred to me as I skimmed.

First Arts Section

Okay, this was a Friday morning, and there were a lot of movie ads.

The Darjeeling Limited. Doesn’t seem like such a must-see now, with only a quarter-page ad on a Friday. Post–alleged suicide attempt Owen Wilson bandaged is still kind of creepy, and I know it’s an ad, but what’s Jason Schwartzman thinking, riding barefoot on the back of that thing? Tailpipe burn waiting to happen (19).

Elizabeth: The Golden Age. With this pedigree I wonder why so many people are saying this sucks. Too many films about Elizabeth? About queens? Maybe like the Merchant Ivory productions of the 1980s and 1990s, the genre has run its course. Maybe Helen Mirren and Cate Blanchett should have some kind of jousting match to see who the best queen really is (20).

Lars and the Real Girl (21).

Into the Wild (22).

Wristcutters (23).

Dan in Real Life (24).

Rendition (25).

Other movie and theater ads from this section that I absolutely did not notice but upon further review actually may have: sixteen (41).

Second Arts Section

None. Just a bunch of gallery listings that I had no time to consider this morning. Oh yeah, there was this one: the International Fine Art and Antique Dealers Show. Full-page ad. Interesting, but it looks kind of pricey and snooty for our blood. And has anyone ever found a bargain in a Manhattan antiques store (42)?

Escapes (Travel) Section

The Plaza, Costa del Este. Quarter-page ad for a new boutique hotel in Panama City. Wow. Check out the cleavage on this woman … Is this for a strip club? In the Times? In the Travel section? Oh, it’s for a hotel. Check out the tower/phallus jutting into the sky. Must be one of Trump’s properties (it’s not). It’s in Panama?