Adolf Hitler_ my part in his downfall - Spike Milligan [35]
It’s not too difficult to become a military criminal. Not shaving, dirty boots, calling a sergeant ‘darling’, or selling your Bren Carrier. Any Sunday, down Petticoat Lane, you could find some of the lads selling lorries, jerrycans, bullets, webbing. “Git your luverly Anti-Aircraft Guns ‘ere.” It got so that Military Depots were shopping there for supplies. Often London-based regiments sent their (quarter Blokes out for ‘a gross of three-inch Mortars and a dozen bananas’.
It was common knowledge that Caledonian Road Market was a German supply depot. The true story behind Hess: he flew here for cut-price black-market underwear for the S.S., but on arrival he chickened out when Churchill told him the price, unconditional surrender. An easy way to go ‘on the hooks’ was not saluting commissioned ranks. “Ewe har not salutin’ the hofficer—ewe har salutin’ the King’s huniform.” Gunner Stover took this as Gospel. At reveille he would wake Lieutenant Budden with a cup of tea, turn, face Budden’s uniform hanging on the wall, salute it, and exit. “There’s no need to take it that far, Stover,” said Budden.
“I can’t help it sir—I come from a military family—if I didn’t salute that huniform—I feel I was livin’ a lie sir.”
“But,” reasoned Budden, “when no one’s looking there’s no point.”
“Beggin’ your pardon sir—but there is! Many a time, when I’m alone, cleanin’ up your billet, when I finish, I face your best battledress—and I salute it—no one sees me, but deep down I know I’m on my honour, alone with tradition.”
“How long have you been in the Army, Stover?”
“Thirty-two years sir.”
“Very good,” said Budden.
We had ‘Saluting Traps’. A crowd of us round a corner smoking would get the tip ‘Officer Coming’. We would set off at ten-second intervals and watch as the officer saluted his way to paralysis of the arm.
DIEPPE
On August 18th, 1942, we were learning how to shoot Bren and Vickers machine-guns at Fairbright. The range was on the cliff facing out to sea. Our instructors were from the Brigade of Guards. We stood at ease while a Grenadier Guards Sergeant told us the intricacies of the “Vickers 303 Water-Cooled Machine-Gun. I will first teach yew which is the safe end and which is the naughty end. Next, I will show ew how to load, point and fire the weapon. Following this, I will dismantle the gun and reassemble it. It’s not difficult; I have a three-year-old daughter at home who does it in six minutes. Anyone here fired one before?” I had, but I wasn’t going to fall into the trap. Never volunteer for anything in the army. So the day started. It was worth it just to hear the military repartee. “What’s the matter with you man, point the bloody gun at the target, I’ve seem blind crippled hunchback shoot straighter than that! Don’t close yer eyes when you pull the trigger! Remember Mummy wants you to grow up a brave little soldier, doesn’t she? You’re firing into the ground man! We’re supposed to shoot the Germans not bloody worms! Steady, you’re snatching the trigger, squeeze it slowly, like a bird’s tits. Left-handed are you? Well, I’m sorry we can’t have the weapon rebuilt for you, you’ll have to learn to be right-handed for the duration.” Then, to little Flash Gordon, who got in a hopeless mess trying to load the Bren. “No no son, tell you what, you go and stand behind that tree and say the Lord’s Prayer and ask him to tell you to STOP WASTING MY BLOODY TIME!” The day was alive with these sayings.
It all ended badly for me. As we climbed on the three tonner to go back to Billets, Driver Jenkins slammed the tail-board on my right hand. It came up like a balloon and I don’t mind saying I was cross-eyed with agony. They took me to Hastings, to St Helen’s Hospital, to have it X-rayed. I had no broken bones. They bandaged the hand up and put my arm in a sling. What a bloody hang-up. I was going on leave the next day.
By now my father had rejoined the army as a captain in the R.A.O.C., and the family were living at Linden House, Orchard Way, Reigate. I arrived home after dark, having had difficulty getting a lift