Aftermath - Ann Aguirre [124]
“No. There are many types, some of which are beyond any human ability to experience. Can you imagine what it is to ‘love’ a thousand clutchmates, as humans would a sibling?”
It’s not the same, of course. Ithtorians don’t bond as humans do. Familial loyalty offers the closest facsimile, but otherwise, they lack emotions as we know them. Vel was an anomaly on his homeworld, and since his exile, he’s learned emotional behaviors that take him even further from the standard. He’s a hybrid now, much as I am.
“No, I honestly can’t.”
“And does it bother you that I will always love Adele and that her passing grieves me? It does not seem so long to me since I was happy with her. Does that injure you in some fashion, Sirantha?”
“No.”
I see his point. We’re not like other people. Long life span gives us a different perspective on love and the nature of time. I’ve had a chance to process what Carvati told me, and I accept I’m different. Over the turns to come, my ideas will shift even more, I suspect, and that’s the nature of existence. Life without change is stagnation.
His mandible flares, telling me he’s being honest with me right now. “To my mind, one thing does not lessen another. The heart is not a glass of water, but more like an endlessly pumping spring.”
That makes sense. He’s saying that what I feel for him doesn’t reduce what I can feel for March. Love isn’t finite; it’s not miserly and small. I don’t know if March would feel the same, but he’s not like us. I certainly don’t want to hurt him more than I already have, so I won’t mention this when I see him. It’s not infidelity when it’s so different. Is it? I don’t know, but I don’t feel as though I’m doing wrong right now, standing in the lounge with Vel.
“No, it’s not. Thanks for being . . . you.”
“I am constant, Jax. Right now, your presence is enough. I have been alone for a long time, and I am content to know I will have a companion down the turns.”
“I’m sorry you were lonely.” The idea hurts me.
“I will not be anymore.”
“That much, I do promise.” I’m not sure even if March was out of the picture—and he’s not—whether I can be as open-minded as Adele. I love Vel, but I’m not positive where my limits lie, and at this juncture, I’m not free to find out. At least, not in that way. If we crossed that line, then it would be infidelity.
He goes on, “If there is ever more between us, then I will take pleasure in that as well when the time comes, even knowing that day may never arrive.”
I couldn’t ask for more than such patience and unconditional acceptance.
“So you’re happy to wander with me, after La’heng.”
“I am.”
“Sometimes I try to imagine what I’ll do, after we finish on La’heng. The possibilities are endless.”
“What do you want, Sirantha?”
Nobody ever asks me that—and it’s part of the reason Vel is so special to me. “I’m not sure yet. But I always loved finding new beacons and charting the territory.”
“Blazing new paths in the Star Road.”
Oh yeah, he gets it. “Does that sound like something you’d enjoy?”
“As it is something I have never done, I believe I would.”
“Would you consider getting a pilot’s license?”
Hit and Dina have formed their own crew, and they have dreams that don’t include us. It hurts to think of all of us fragmenting, but March has already embarked on his own path, and Doc is dead. Loras is free. It stands to reason I need a pilot willing to commit to me, and one with Vel’s longevity would be an added bonus.
“I am.”
“You can take the training on La’heng. That way, we’ll be ready to go together when it’s time.”
Vel nods. “I will make the arrangements.”
Pleased, I rest my head against his arm, and he touches a claw lightly to my hair. Then he leans down and brushes the side of his face against mine. An ache springs up because I know what it means. He loves me, too. His devotion is not loud or demanding, but quiet