Aftermath - Ann Aguirre [36]
What they don’t know is, no matter how they decide, they can’t penalize me more than I’m already punishing myself.
[Transcript of voice message, sent via bounce, delivered by the guard]
Jax,
I got your note. Nola scanned and bounced it to me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen your handwriting before. It’s an oddly personal thing, isn’t it? I keep your letter folded up in my shirt pocket, close to my heart. That sounds ridiculous, but I read it at night before I go to bed.
What you said about the sweetest pain? That fits us. I guess you already knew this, but I’ve never been in love before. That’s why I’m clumsy, and I don’t always know what I should do or say. I hate thinking of you there, but at least I know you’re safe. I miss you. Love you, too. The ache never stops.
It’s taking forever to reach Nicu Tertius. There are no jumpers willing to risk the beacons, and I wouldn’t want them to. Which means we’re doing a haul through straight space. People haven’t traveled like this in a hundred turns—and I understand why. Remember how tough Emry was from New Terra?
This is actually worse. The crew is angry all the time and spoiling for a fight. If they served under anybody but Hon, they would’ve already mutinied. But his reputation deters all serious rebellion, as he doesn’t deal kindly with traitors. It’s going to be six more months before we get there, and the constant refueling is expensive. I don’t know how our ancestors ever got out of the home solar system at this speed.
We get only old news on the bounce, but I’m watching as much of your trial as I can. I’m proud of how you’re bearing up; though every time that prosecutor opens his mouth, I want to stab him in the neck. Yet you sit there, taking every hit, then your barrister does her thing. She’s good. Drawn blood more than once. I’m glad she’s fighting for you since I can’t. And that bothers me, too. I feel like I’m failing you.
I thought it was bad when we were on the same ship but we couldn’t touch. Thought it was bad when I was on Lachion, fighting in the clan wars, but I was constantly moving then, constantly fighting. Here on the Dauntless, this is the worst separation because I have nothing to do but think. I’m always replaying moments with you, wondering if there was another path I could’ve taken that would end with us together.
I hate being without you. My arms are empty, and I miss your laugh. The way you throw back your head, and your hair flips out, bristles, because it’s electric, like you are. I’m not putting this well at all, so I should probably stop talking to the machine and just say send.
[message ends]
[Handwritten reply, sent via Nola Hale]
March,
You’re not failing me. There are too many reasons why you can’t be involved in this. If I’d wanted this shit to spatter on you or Hit, I wouldn’t have chosen my course as I did. This way, I alone am responsible. That’s how it has to be.
Though I miss you, I’m also glad you’re out looking for your nephew instead of caught up in this shipwreck. It gives me strength knowing you’re doing something good. I mean, if a man like you still cares about me, even after all that I’ve done, then I’m not a lost cause, right?
We should see a verdict fairly soon. The witnesses have been endless, people I don’t remember, but who sure have a lot to say about me. But you’re right . . . my barrister’s doing a good job. I think she sees my case as a challenge, the ultimate win.
And, of course, I remember that long haul to Emry. Sorry to hear you’re doing the slow ship to Nicuan, but I imagine you didn’t feel like you had much choice. It’s not your way to sit around waiting for someone else to solve your problems. We have that in common. I’m glad you’re with Loras and Hon. Makes me feel better knowing you’re among friends. More or less.
I wish I had more to say, but nothing goes