Aftermath - Ann Aguirre [46]
When I see my pain reflected in his side-set eyes, I know why he did. So I can cry. Even though it hurt him, too, he gave me the wound that permits me to let go. It’s a selfless thing, because I can see by the twitch of his mandible that it injured him, too. He has a friend’s blood on his bare claws, a horrendous thing—and lovely, too.
My sobs, when they tear free, wrack me from head to toe. He draws me to him, all smooth chitin, cool and hard to the touch. There should be no solace in it, but there is because he’s Vel, and he took my pain for his own. Now he must live with the knowledge he harmed someone he cares about—and that’s not lightly done for one who lives as long as he. I respect his bravery and fortitude more than ever.
For I need this scar over my heart to remind me. Crazy as it sounds, if I can bear the wound on my body, it lessens what I must carry on my soul. How he knew that about me, I cannot fathom.
But he did, and it helped, and I weep in his arms, as though all the light in the world has died.
[Grainy vid-mail from March, arrived on the four-day bounce]
I saw that you’re a free woman now. I’d congratulate you, but I expected this outcome, or I’d have never left, not even for my nephew.
Tomorrow we arrive at Nicu Tertius, but that’s only the beginning. There are seven state homes, and four are designated for Psi training. They’re all in different cities, and my problem is compounded by not knowing the boy’s name. If they left Svetlana attached to his file as birth mother, that will simplify matters, but Farwan is notorious for excising such information to prevent Psi from wondering about their pasts. I can ask for a genetic search, as his markers should be fairly similar to mine, but that will take time, and it’s hard to restrain my patience, particularly after this long haul.
I wouldn’t admit this to anyone but you, but I’m afraid of what will happen to me when we land on Nicu. It’s illogical, but I fear an instant regression to the monster I was before. The jungles on this world hold more ghosts than anyone could imagine; I killed so many men here, and they didn’t even get a proper service. We left them wherever they fell, so their bones just worked their way down into the mud.
Right now, I wish I’d stayed because I want you at my side. That sounds pretty selfish, but I don’t mean it that way. You just never needed me that way; I said it to you once as I was leaving—that you love me, but you don’t need me. You don’t lean. But I admire that about you, and I could use some of your strength right now.
Thinking of you. Love you still and always.
[message ends]
[Vid-mail reply from Jax, sent on the four-day bounce]
Free is a relative term. I’m no longer incarcerated, but I’m not my own woman, either. I’m obligated to set things right before I go. I mean, it’s not a sentence or anything; though it might have been if I hadn’t volunteered. I’ve been at the training academy in Ocklind for months now. This is the longest I’ve ever been dirtside, and it’s hellish.
I used to dream of Doc and Evie, and how they died down on Venice Minor, but now I dream of grimspace. There’s an ache in my bones as if I’m dying by millimeters each day I spend on this planet. I don’t know how people live like this. I met a girl once who didn’t attend school; she spent her whole life on ships. She was educated by AIs like Constance, and that sounded like the best thing in the universe to me. Imagine the wonders she saw, every single day. But she told me she just felt trapped on that ship and unable to form lasting relationships. It’s so strange how one person’s heaven is another’s hell.
Things are progressing well enough here. Soon I’ll have a complete team of teachers, and I can go on my way. Our graduates are already making their way onto the Star Road to get the shipping lanes moving at normal speed again. I feel for the colonies