Agaat - Marlene van Niekerk [293]
27 May 1955
Jak says we must make A. move in with Dawid and them and accustom her to her own people. The sooner the better he says, the child will grow up messed-up, she has no playmates. As if he cared one scrap about that. But he is right when he says the white children who come here don’t know any better, they think she’s farm stock & then they snub her.
I protest! She’s an exceptional somebody & she’s developed from the grimmest misery out of just about nothing. Every day I have reason to believe that all my trouble and dedication were not in vain & that the faith I had in the matter and every drop of sweat and tears that I put into her has now started bearing fruit. Everything has a purpose, I say to Jak, she’s been given to me to learn something about myself. To learn what it is that really matters in this life. Jak says I sound like a Jehovah’s Witness on Eau de Cologne. He says he thought I’d achieved total illumination some time ago and it’s not a matter of A. because all I can talk about is myself & and I can really spare him my sickly sentimental stories they give him a pain because all he sees in front of him is the worst case of megalomania & control freakery south of the Sahara.
That’s not true! I play with her & I teach her to sing & dance. If he were only to give her a bit of attention & to take the time to get closer to her he’d see that she’s an extremely interesting little person (perhaps that’s not the right word, rather wilful, intense, complicated, imaginative—too much so—rather a live wire than a flat tyre as Pa always used to say).
28 May 1955
Bought A. 24 new crayons & 10 jars of poster paints. This evening learnt to write & draw sheep hen donkey rooster. Good perception especially the shape & position of ears mouth etc. I teach her to mix the colours & to cover the whole page not just in the one corner. She’s managing well already but I can still see the backlog.
This evening I thought she was sleeping already, she came & showed me a picture of the farm with GROTMODERSDRUF solemnly written at the top. You have wings because you are my angel she says. I had to help with the practising of the wings on a separate sheet. Only Lucifer the rebellious angel has such spindly black wings I say. Jak has a thatch of black hair on his head & thick black eyebrows & two red spots for cheeks, is sitting on the bonnet of a red car with black wheels. She couldn’t quite get the little man into the car I had to show her & so there I was X2 with my red dress & patched-up wings & Jak X2 first on top of & then inside his car in front of the Grootmoedersdrift homestead complete with chimney & gables & green trees & blue mountains & a flower garden full of birds & lambs & butterflies.
There are two of me now & two of Jak & one of every living thing but where are you then? I ask. She’s inside she says. You’re looking for me I’m hiding from you in the fireplace. Shame the poor child can she be altogether happy? I wonder.
30 May
This morning A. jumps up & down on hr bed & suddenly manages to produce a whistle. Now she can’t stop jumping & the whistle comes more & more regularly great excitement!
4 June ’55
New habit of A.’s. She presses her head against me, you always smell so nice she says. Pushes hr head into my jersey drawer when I’m getting dressed & then just now she disappeared into thin air & I search & I search there I find her in my