Agaat - Marlene van Niekerk [301]
16 December 1959
Period two weeks late if my sums are right. Has happened before. Perhaps the ado about A. that’s telling on my system she’s so tuned in to my moods she sees immediately when I’m depressed & always asks if it’s she who’s done something wrong. This morning I found by my bed a bunch of hydrangeas made up with red leaves of fire-on-the-mountain in the grey vase they won’t last long she says it’s too hot but it’s to cheer me up asks me if I’m feeling ill.
23 December ’59
Had blood drawn today. Dr had left on holiday already & only his partner there & he can’t tell me when the results will be available. He says with somebody who’s been trying for such a long time as I they want to be absolutely sure & it has to go to Cape Town for analysis.
26 December ’59
Walking up & down & waiting for the phone to ring or not to ring don’t know which one in case it’s bad news. Ate nothing yesterday. Almost don’t want to think it. Dear God! After all that! A. circles around me like a bothersome bee if it’s not coffee then it’s tea that she brings get off with you I say. She knows something is going on you can’t hide anything from hr.
30 December ’59
Fancy I’m nauseous all the time. Have phoned but there’s no reply. A. tries to comfort me, puts flowers in the grey vase every day. Lord they really can’t keep me in the dark like this. Festive season. Everybody gone. Was sitting there just now with my head between my knees with nausea then I felt A.’s little hand putting something in mine. Chew she says in my ear it helps for when you’re feeling sick. Fennel seed. What is Même’s wish for the new year? she asks.
1 January 1960
Too trembly to write. Too superstitious to write it down here in black & white in case it disappears! Dr happened to be in his consulting rooms & there was the result from the laboratory! Positive! I’m walking around with it like a pearl under my heart. Haven’t told J. yet. Must wait for the right moment. Tonight we’re going out to Frambooskop—big party. One of the Scott brothers is coming back to take over the berry farming the old man can apparently not keep it up. Perhaps if J. is in a good mood tonight when we get back I’ll tell him.
A. asks what are you thinking? What’s eating you? I say I’m thinking curiosity killed the cat. Why are your cheeks so red? To look prettier my child I say in front of the mirror. Couldn’t stop looking at myself today so then I caught hr eye in the mirror looking at me oddly then I clicked it was because I’d said ‘my child’. Oh gracious heavens how unthinking of me. Now I’m going to have my own child. What will she make of that?
Perhaps it’s the Lord’s will that it should happen just now perhaps it will make things clearer & decisions easier. What are you going to wear tonight? A. asks. Take out my black dress with the wide sleeves that I last wore on my honeymoon when we went dancing. Aitsa, says A. queen of the night & she whistles the tune of the great aria from The Magic Flute all down the passage all melancholy it sounds. Ai she always whistles when she’s feeling happy & busy & to tease me because she knows she’s not supposed to whistle.
2 January 1960
Went & crawled in with A. after the scrap again last night. Was ever so miserable. Perhaps B. is right perhaps one should just keep one’s mouth shut about everything. Perhaps I angered that crowd of men with my talking about fertiliser & the soil. What on earth got into me? A. pretended to be asleep when I slipped into her bed. Had she eavesdropped & heard me telling J. about the child? Perhaps she heard what he said then? She’s downcast today she must have gone to unearth the shards of the vase J. broke last night out of the rubbish bin because I found it this afternoon all neatly stuck together. Don’t know if it will hold water but won’t throw it away for the time being to spare A.’s feelings. She looks as if she wants to cry all