Agaat - Marlene van Niekerk [80]
Count yourself lucky I said that you were chosen & kept on & that you got to where you are today where there are people who look after you it’s sheer mercy & if you bleed I said you put on the pads. Demonstrated with the elastic & the loops 5 times a day the first 3 days & you wash yourself every time you put on a new one with hot water & soap & rub Mum in your groin when you put on a new one & if I ever pick up a whiff on you there’s trouble & the dirty ones you put together in a paper bag & you push it deep into the bin where the dogs can’t get to it. If the bleeding ever stays away don’t even come & tell me, just take your things & go because then I never want to set eyes on you again.
12 August 1960 10 past 10
Don’t feel well since I’ve been there in the outside room must get more rest I suppose at this stage. Week 34. Dr. did say I would tire easily but I must make time for myself. Would be good to have more time to write up everything that happens here. Might just skip things that could be important. Saar says A. isn’t all there she looks as if she walks in hr sleep. See A.’s light’s on late at night I suppose she’s reading because I forbade hr to read in the day it sets a bad example to the other servants & she has more than enough work to do & I’m scared J. will catch hr reading he’s totally opposed to the idea teach a baboon to read tonight & tomorrow he’ll be dictating to you he says perhaps I can teach her the basics of embroidery it’s a better pastime at least then she’ll be producing something.
12 August after lunch
Slept this afternoon. Feel it’s close now. Two weeks too early? Everybody says the firstborn is late mostly. Worried about A. I think she’s scared of me of what is to happen to me & she tries to hide it behind affectations this morning again when the rain stopped at last. Bring along your embroidery book & come & sit here with me on the stoep I said because I wanted to comfort hr a bit too after the whole sermon on the monthlies & I might as well use my rest break usefully & give hr something of value. Did after all envision it like that from the start just didn’t get around to it. Bring your needlework basket I said.
And right there it begins. She turns around as if a snake has bitten her & looks me straight in the eye rude! All I’m saying is you must bring along your needlework basket but then & there I lose my temper completely because I’m made to feel I must justify myself. Who does she think she is the little scallywag full of airs & adopts a pose standing half to attention the feet together the back rigid the arms bent at the elbows the right hand in the left hand held under the chest & the chin stuck out all the way to wherever.
What do you want me to say? I thought. So I said what I wanted to say in any case: your embroidery book & your needlework basket bring them but she just stood there as if she were on stage. So that will be all thank you was all I said as if I were also on stage & only then she looked satisfied. Nods the head as if she’s a doll & off she goes with little measured steps the legs hinging only from the knee down as if she’s scared that something will drop out from under her. Where would she get that from? Had to shut up the other servants because there they go laughing like drains about the little airs. Ignore I said it passes by itself.
Went to look for an off-cut of coarse-woven material in the ragbag. Halfway through I had another idea. In the bottom drawer of the linen cupboard I remembered there were still precious lengths of material from my mother’s trousseau that she’d never used & so I chose the biggest most beautiful piece 2 cloths 6 x 3 yards Glenshee linen still wrapped in the white tissue paper just as Ma must have got it. I thought let me reward her & give her something to show I understand it’s not all such plain sailing for hr.
Here next to me on the bench I showed her she must sit when she came out on the stoep but she didn’t want to. Brings the stoep chair closer by your leave & puts