All My Friends Are Superheroes - Andrew Kaufman [1]
Tom wasn’t very nice to TV Girl. He didn’t have a television. He’d go over to her apartment and be mean to her just to watch her cry.
At his own wedding reception, Tom was introduced to the Sitcom Kid. Tom didn’t know the Sitcom Kid was TV Girl’s older brother. Tom stuck out his hand to be shaken. The Sitcom Kid made a fist and punched Tom in the mouth.
‘She’s my sister, man!’ said the Sitcom Kid.
‘Who is?’ Tom asked.
‘TV Girl! You made her feel like Mallory when she dated Alex’s best friend at university.’
Tom held a paper napkin to his lip. He didn’t swing back. He knew he deserved that punch in the mouth – maybe not on his wedding night, but he deserved that punch. All the wedding guests circled Tom and the Sitcom Kid. Hypno knew this was his moment.
Only the Perfectionist noticed Hypno making his way towards her. She wasn’t afraid of him. She knew how he worked. He’d done it the first time they’d met. He’d come into the diner where she worked. He’d sat by himself at the counter, just as the noon crowd had her swamped.
‘I need coffee,’ Hypno commanded. He waved his hand in front of her face. He hypnotized her.
The Perfectionist dropped everything. Plates of hamburgers got cold under heat lamps as she made a new pot just for him. She filled a mug and took it directly to Hypno. She set it down in front of him.
‘How did you do that?’ the Perfectionist asked.
‘You’re a nice person,’ Hypno answered.
‘So?’
‘You wanted to give me good service.’
‘So?’
‘I hypnotized you. But you can’t hypnotize anyone into doing anything they don’t already want to do. I merely give permission,’ Hypno said. He tapped his spoon on the rim of his coffee mug and hypnotized her into believing that sex with him would be the best of her life. The Perfectionist dated him, intensely, for the next three months.
‘Just because you were hypnotized to think it was the best sex of your life doesn’t mean that it wasn’t,’ is how the Perfectionist remembers their relationship. For Hypno, the feelings went much, much deeper. He was still in love with the Perfectionist when he approached her at the wedding reception.
The Perfectionist stood still. His timing was perfect; a brawl had broken out by the shrimp table. If he made some sort of scene, nobody would notice. Hypno hugged her. She hugged him back. It was her wedding day. She didn’t need anybody’s permission to do anything.
‘Congratulations,’ he whispered.
‘What?’ asked the Perfectionist.
‘Congratulations,’ he whispered, even more softly.
‘What?’ the Perfectionist asked again. She couldn’t hear him. She turned her head. She offered her ear to Hypno. He leaned close and whispered.
Only the Ear heard what Hypno said. The Ear was in the bathroom changing the cotton in his ears. He’d just pulled our the used cotton. He had fresh cotton in his hand. His hearing was at its most sensitive.
The Ear heard the fight between Tom and the Sitcom Kid. He heard someone whispering behind it.
‘Are you worried that he’s not like us?’ the Ear heard. He recognized Hypno’s voice. The Ear didn’t know who Hypno was talking to. The other person wasn’t saying anything.
The Perfectionist wasn’t saying anything because she was thinking. She had never been asked that question before and she realized she’d never let herself even think about it. She bit her bottom lip. She nodded her head.
‘What do you see in him?’ Hypno asked.
‘I ... I ... don’t know,’ the Perfectionist replied. She knew she loved Tom but she suddenly didn’t know why.
Hearing the Perfectionist’s voice, the Ear rushed out of the bathroom. He tried to push through the crowd encircling Tom and the Sitcom Kid. He kept listening.
‘In fact,’ the Ear heard Hypno whisper, ‘I don’t think you see anything at all.’
‘Perf, no!’ called the Ear.
But the Ear was too late. The Perfectionist was hypnotized. Tom was invisible to her.
TWO
ALL HIS FRIENDS ARE SUPERHEROES
A group of children, all holding hands and wearing identical blue T-shirts, walks past Tom. He leans forward in the uncomfortable airport chair and watches them walk