All My Friends Are Superheroes - Andrew Kaufman [10]
He knows everything about you. He knows the one thing that needs to happen so you can fulfill your dreams. He knows the single event that would trigger your downfall. And he’s deciding, right now, which one he’ll make happen.
THE SEEKER
The Seeker knows how to get anywhere from any place, even if he’s never been there before. But since this is his superpower and he defines himself through it, the Seeker gets quite upset and fidgety whenever he reaches a destination. He has to immediately turn around and head somewhere else.
THE PROJECTIONIST
The Projectionist can make you believe whatever she believes. If she believes interest rates are going to fall, and you have a short conversation with the Projectionist, you will too. If she believes that, no, in fact, you didn’t signal when you turned left, causing the Projectionist to ram her car into the back of yours, so will you.
Her downfall began when she fell in love with the Inverse. She absolutely, 100% fell in love with the Inverse. She projected all this emotion onto him but the Inverse, being the Inverse, simply reflected the opposite of everything she was sending.
Strangely, neither the Inverse nor the Projectionist can let go of the relationship.
THE CHIP
Chip was born with a chip on her shoulder. It’s an immensely heavy chip, a chip that weighs so much it forced her to develop superhuman strength. But the chip on Chip’s shoulder weighs so much that only her superstrength could remove it, but she can’t use her superstrength until she gets rid of the chip and she can’t get rid of the chip without using her super-strength. She appears no stronger than any regular.
EIGHT
THE FIRST NIGHT OF INVISIBILITY
For three hours and forty-five minutes the Perfectionist stares at clouds. Tom stares at the Perfectionist. Now that she’s fallen asleep, Tom examines the cheese sandwich the airhostess handed him over the Prairies. Just east of the Rockies, Tom unwraps it and takes a bite. The bread tastes like plastic wrap. He sets the sandwich on the corner of his tray.
The Perfectionist snores (perfectly). Tom knows he could nudge her and the snoring would stop. It’s what he used to do. But since he turned invisible Tom won’t touch the Perfectionist when she’s sleeping. He’s only tried it once, the first night they were married – the night he thought he’d killed her.
He’d watched her step out of her wedding dress like it were a pile of snow. She left it on the floor and climbed directly under the covers. Since the reception she’d sneezed, or hiccuped, or flailed her arms each time he’d touched her. He didn’t want her to do any of that but it was his wedding night and he didn’t want to sleep alone. He waited until she fell asleep and held her from behind. They spooned. He fell asleep holding her.
Two hours later Tom woke up. The Perfectionist wasn’t breathing. He watched her chest. Seconds passed. Finally she took a breath. Tom wasn’t relieved; the breath was so deep her whole body expanded. Her feet came off the bed, her chest ballooned and her fists curled into balls. Ten seconds passed before her next one.
Tom picked her up by the shoulders. He shook her. She didn’t wake up. He counted twenty seconds and still no breath.
‘Wake up!’ he shouted. ‘Perf – wake up!’ She didn’t wake up.
Tom jumped off the bed. He ran into the kitchen. He phoned the Amphibian to get Hypno’s number. He bit the inside of his cheek as he dialled. He cursed the day she’d met Hypno with each number he punched.
The thing is, the Perfectionist really did have the best sex of her life for the three months she dated Hypno. Then one morning, a Wednesday, she came like never before. Her toes curled. Her fingernails dug into his back. His cock was something she never wanted to let out of her, but she realized she didn’t much like the rest of him.
Hypno held her and fell asleep. She had two hours before her shift at the diner. She delicately lifted Hypno’s hand,