All Over the Map - Laura Fraser [54]
“I know, I know, it doesn’t seem feminist,” Kathy tells me. “But if you think about it, it really is. It’s about getting respect from men. Make them work to get you. It’s your job to be as pretty and interesting as you can be, then sit back and let them respond to you.”
“Ick,” I say, even though I’m trying to listen to her and not just be automatically appalled. “It’s too much of a game.” I am not, for instance, wearing mascara here on the trail just in case we run into the man of my dreams. Nor, if some man contacts me, am I going to wait until he badgers me three more times before I respond; that doesn’t seem friendly or polite, not to mention real. “If you can’t be your real self with someone, what’s the point?”
“Why is it being your authentic self to run after men, to send them e-mails first, pay for dinner, and not let yourself be taken care of once in a while?” asks Kathy. “Men are hunters, they want to go after you.” I cringe thinking about buying dinners for Gustavo when he was broke, telling him I was on an expense account, which is probably not something you should do with a Latin male. I suppose I was trying too hard. Still.
“I don’t like feeling like prey,” I say. All those years of female liberation, uneasy as they may have been, and we’re back to this. “Nor do I want to go into a hut once a month when I have my period or get thrown onto a funeral pyre with my dead husband.”
“It’s not about giving up power, it’s about keeping your power,” Kathy says. “You’re always telling me about jumping into bed with men and then feeling disappointed that it doesn’t work out. You want men who respect you.”
I’m regretting telling her about a couple of those episodes. “Respect, sure,” I say. “But the rest is phony. I’m not some passive-aggressive creature trying to trick a man into marrying her. I want a funny, intelligent guy who likes me, who has chemistry with me, and who is, you know, different but equal. I’m a confident grown-up woman.”
“Sure,” says Kathy. “Real confidence is sexy to men. But there’s a difference between being confident with men and being aggressive, which isn’t sexy. There’s also a difference between being receptive and being passive.”
“So what’s the difference?”
“Fear.”
“And so how can you manage not to be afraid, especially with that whole hunter-and-prey dynamic?”
“Real strength comes from being able to show your vulnerability but hold on to yourself. You can attract men by being receptive but say no to them until you get to know them and trust them.”
“Maybe, but you can’t do that by following some ridiculous ‘Rules.’” And I don’t want to trap everyone I sleep with into a relationship. “This isn’t the 1950s.” You just have to understand the reality of the situation so you don’t feel disappointed. I mean, that one takes a little work sometimes (i.e., Gustavo)—but still.
“Okay,” says Kathy, sighing. “Forget the ‘Rules.’ Think of it instead as ballroom dancing.” Now she has my attention. “In order to dance, you have to be able to follow, to be receptive to a man’s touch. To do that, you need to hold yourself in your own space, not be draped all over him, and give him pressure back when he pushes you. You have to be strong and confident enough in your own body to be receptive to his.”
“That makes more sense.”
We stop talking as we hike through the trees to a big vista of the Pacific Ocean. Sometimes, when I’m hiking around Marin, I wonder why I need to travel so far away to be awed.
WHEN I GET home, put on some music, and run a bath, I consider our conversation.